You know, I love that you’re asking about this, because disorganized attachment is the one that people misread the most. They think, “Oh, this person is just chaotic” or “this person is just difficult.” And what they’re missing is that this is actually someone who got hurt the most.
Here’s how I think about it, and this is what I shared with a group of therapists I was training. Disorganized attachment is actually kind of like being anxious AND avoidant at the same time, all the time, in the same body. The person is saying, without words, “I need you close to me, AND when you get close to me, it doesn’t feel right or safe.”
Think about that for a second. That is an exhausting place to live.
In adults, what that looks like in real life is something like this. They will pull you toward them, and then when you actually show up, something feels wrong. Not a little wrong. Wrong enough that they need to push back. My ex used to do this with hugs. She wanted the hug, initiated the hug, and then halfway through, “No, you’re not hugging me right. You’re resting into me. I don’t get to rest into you.” And I thought, what is happening right now? But that WAS the thing. Close, but close isn’t safe. Distance hurts, but closeness isn’t right either.
So in adults you might see things like:
Someone who initiates connection and then gets irritable or critical when they actually have it. Someone who desperately wants their partner present, but when their partner IS present, they find something wrong with how they’re being present. Cycles of “come here, go away” that leave their partners completely destabilized. A very hard time settling into comfort with another person, even someone they genuinely love.
You might also notice extreme swings between feeling completely merged with someone and feeling completely isolated from them. Or someone who can’t quite land in their body when they’re being loved. They’re checking out, dissociating, even during good moments.
Here is what I want you to hold onto, though. Disorganized and secure attachment are actually cousins in a strange way. The secure person got nicked a little on both sides, abandonment and rejection, but not enough to overwhelm them. The disorganized person got hit hard on BOTH sides. Abandoned AND rejected, deeply, repeatedly, early. So they learned that the world of closeness is a world where you cannot win. You need it and it hurts you.
If you are working with someone disorganized, or if you suspect you ARE someone disorganized, the work is not about labeling them as chaotic. The work is about going, “Of course. You learned that love is dangerous in both directions. That makes complete sense given what you lived through.”
That is where we start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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