Here’s what I know to be true after 16 years of sitting with couples: how you attach is not a character flaw. It’s biology doing its job.
We come into this world wired to connect. That’s not a choice. That’s survival. The question is just how that wiring got shaped by your early experiences of being loved, or not loved, or loved inconsistently.
Secure attachment means you got enough of the message that you are a priority and you are enough. Not perfect parenting, not a charmed life. Just enough reliable connection that you developed a baseline belief that love is safe and available. When conflict comes up in your relationship, you can tolerate the discomfort without falling apart or shutting down. You can stay in the room.
Think of it like having a sturdy internal compass. You might feel the wobble when your partner is upset, but you don’t lose your true north. You can be curious about their experience without making it all about whether you’re about to be rejected.
Anxious attachment is what I call being a relentless lover. This is someone whose early experience taught them that love is real, but it might disappear. So they pursue it. They monitor it. They turn up the volume to make sure it doesn’t go away.
The protest gets louder because the fear underneath is so old and so real. And here’s what I want you to hear about that: every protest is a plea for connection. The anxious person isn’t being dramatic. They’re being biological.
I see this play out constantly in my office. The secure partner says something like “I need some space to think.” The anxiously attached partner hears “I’m leaving.” Their nervous system floods. They start pursuing harder, asking more questions, needing more reassurance. The secure partner feels overwhelmed and pulls back further. Round and round they go.
The wound underneath anxious attachment is what I call the abandonment wound. The pain of not being a priority. That’s the heart of it.
Here’s what gets me fired up: I’ve watched too many people shame themselves for their attachment style. “I’m too needy.” “I’m clingy.” “I should just get over it.” Stop that. Right now.
The way you hurt in love is actually the best part of who you are. It tells me how much you care. Your attachment style isn’t something to fix. It’s something to understand, to work with, to honor even as you learn new ways of connecting.
Because here’s the thing: we’re all just walking around trying to get our attachment needs met. Some of us learned to trust that love sticks around. Others learned to work really hard to keep it close. Both make complete sense.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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