You know what I want to say to you first? That phrase, “emotionally distant,” it’s one of the most painful things a person can experience in a relationship. Because you’re not alone in a literal sense. They’re right there. Maybe sleeping next to you, eating dinner across from you. And yet you feel completely unreachable to them. That particular flavor of loneliness is brutal.
So let me tell you what I actually think is happening, based on sixteen years of sitting with couples in this exact place.
What looks like emotional distance from the outside is almost never indifference on the inside. I know that’s hard to hear because it doesn’t feel that way. What it usually is, is a protection strategy. Your partner has learned, somewhere along the way, that the safest thing to do when things get emotionally charged is to go quiet, go cold, go inside.
And here is what the withdrawer is almost never saying out loud: *Please don’t see my flaws. Please don’t expose how not enough I am. Please don’t reject me.*
That’s what’s underneath the distance. Not “I don’t care about you.” It’s closer to “I am terrified of what happens if you really see me.”
Now here’s the other side of this, and I want you to sit with it honestly. What happens to you when they go distant? My guess is you move toward them. Maybe with questions, maybe with frustration, maybe with some version of “why won’t you talk to me?” And the more you reach, the more they retreat. And the more they retreat, the more desperately you reach.
That’s a cycle. And the cycle is the real problem, not your partner’s distance specifically.
What I’d want to ask you, if you were sitting across from me right now, is this: underneath your frustration with their distance, what is it you’re actually not getting that matters deeply to you? Is it the feeling of being prioritized? Of being seen? Of mattering to them?
Because underneath most pursuit is a body screaming, *Please don’t leave me. Please let me matter.*
And underneath most withdrawal is a body whispering, *Please don’t find me unworthy.*
Two people, both terrified, both in pain, both protecting themselves in ways that are pushing the other person further away.
The thing is, you can’t logic someone out of their protective patterns. You can’t convince them to be closer by explaining how much their distance hurts. But you can start by getting curious about what’s happening for both of you instead of making it mean something about how much they care.
When they withdraw, try this: “I notice you’ve gone quiet. I’m wondering if something’s feeling hard for you right now.” Instead of “You’re shutting me out again.”
The goal isn’t to eliminate the distance. It’s to understand what the distance is protecting, and to create enough safety that protection isn’t necessary anymore.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Feeling Disconnected from Spouse? What It Means and What to Do
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