Well, you came to the right place. Let me be honest with you about something first: intimacy issues are one of the most common reasons couples end up sitting across from me. And they are also, without question, one of the most loaded.
Here’s what I know from my own work, and honestly, from my own life too. When intimacy breaks down between two people, it almost never stays just about sex or physical closeness. It becomes a story. A story about whether you are chosen. Whether you are enough. Whether you are wanted. And those stories go deep, back to some of the earliest, most tender places inside each of you.
What I see happen, over and over again, is this: one person starts to pursue more intimacy, they reach out, and the other person contracts. Gets a little smaller. Pulls back. And the pursuer reads that as rejection. As “I am not wanted.” And the one who contracted? They’re often carrying their own fear underneath that, something like “I’m going to disappoint you, and I cannot bear that.” So they go quiet. And then the pursuer pursues harder or gives up entirely, and the whole thing locks up.
Neither person is wrong. It’s just two very scared human beings, completely missing each other in the dark.
What couples therapy for intimacy does, when it works, is it gives you a space to slow that cycle way down. To actually hear what’s underneath the behavior. Not “you never want me” versus “you pressure me.” But something more like: “I feel unchosen and that terrifies me” meeting “I feel like I will always disappoint you and that terrifies me.”
When those two truths can finally be in the room at the same time, something shifts. The issue that felt like it had no air to breathe suddenly has more space around it. And you can actually reach each other.
The shame piece is real too. Intimacy issues carry so much cultural weight and personal history. I’ve seen real courage from people willing to walk into that vulnerability together. That willingness, that showing up even when it’s scary? That IS the work. That’s what I would call the proof of work of love. The visible, felt evidence that you chose connection over self-protection.
So if you’re dealing with intimacy struggles, I want you to know: you’re not broken. This is deeply human territory. And it’s absolutely workable. The question is whether you’re both willing to get a little honest and a little brave.
That’s where we start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Feeling Disconnected from Spouse? What It Means and What to Do
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