I get asked some version of this question almost every week. And the honest answer is: yes, and it’s not a coincidence.
Here’s what I see happen, over and over, in my office.
The anxiously attached person, who learned that love is uncertain and you have to chase it to keep it, finds themselves magnetically drawn to someone who feels calm, self-contained, a little hard to read. That avoidant person learned something different. They learned that needing people is risky, that emotions are messy, that it’s safer to be self-sufficient.
And to the anxious person? That self-containment reads as strength. As safety, even. It’s intoxicating at first.
The avoidant person? They’re often drawn to the warmth, the emotional expressiveness, the aliveness of the anxious partner. Someone who feels things out loud. Someone who pursues. It feels like being wanted.
So yes, opposites attract. But here’s the part nobody talks about enough.
They attract because they’re actually a perfect fit for each other’s wounds.
The anxious person pursues, and the avoidant person withdraws, and that withdrawal confirms every fear the anxious person has ever had about love. And the pursuing confirms every fear the avoidant person has about being swallowed whole by intimacy.
They’re not doing this to hurt each other. They’re both just running really old software.
I had one couple where she described it perfectly: “I felt like I was drowning and he was a life raft. But then I realized he felt like I was drowning him.”
That’s the dance. She reaches for connection, he pulls back to breathe. He pulls back, she reaches harder. Round and round they go, both getting more activated, both feeling more alone.
What I work on with couples like this is helping each of them see that they’re not fighting each other. They’re both fighting the same thing, which is the terror of losing connection. They just express that terror in completely opposite directions.
The breakthrough comes when they stop taking each other’s attachment moves personally. When she can see his withdrawal as his version of panic, not rejection. When he can see her pursuit as her version of trying to feel safe, not an attempt to control him.
The attraction is real. The work is learning not to let your wounds run the whole show.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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