Let me sit with that for a moment, because I hear a lot of pain in those five words.
When you say “undermines my authority,” I want to gently slow us down, because there are actually two very different things that could be happening here, and they need different responses.
The first possibility is that your partner genuinely disagrees with your parenting approach and is handling that disagreement badly. They’re overruling you in the moment, in front of the kids, instead of coming to you privately. That is a real problem. Not because your authority was violated, but because the two of you are not operating as a team.
The kids feel that fracture. They learn to play both sides of it. And you and your partner are essentially having your unresolved conflict through the children, which is one of the more corrosive things a couple can do.
The second possibility is harder to hear. Sometimes when we feel undermined, we’re also carrying a pretty rigid idea of what our role should look like. And our partner is pushing back on that, clumsily yes, but for a reason worth understanding.
I think of families like a dance. When one partner insists on always leading, the other partner either becomes completely passive or starts stepping on toes. Neither works.
Here’s what I know for certain from sixteen years of sitting with couples in this exact fight: The argument is almost never actually about the kids. The kids are the stage. The real play is about whether the two of you feel like partners or adversaries.
When you’re adversaries, every parenting disagreement becomes a power struggle. When you’re genuinely on the same team, protecting your family together rather than protecting yourselves from each other, those disagreements become conversations instead of battles.
So before we talk strategy, I need you to get curious about something. When your partner “undermines” you, what are they actually responding to? Are they disagreeing with your decision, or are they feeling shut out of the decision-making process entirely?
Because if it’s the latter, the solution isn’t getting them to respect your authority more. It’s creating space for both of you to have authority together.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
