Oh, I hear you. And I want you to know that what you’re describing lands in a really tender place, because parenting is so close to the bone. It’s not just what you do, it’s who you are as a caregiver. When someone criticizes that, it doesn’t just sting, it cuts.
Here’s what I see happening when your husband criticizes your parenting. There are actually two things going on at once, and you need to hold both of them.
The first is about him. There’s a very good chance that when he comes at you with criticism, he genuinely believes he’s helping. He thinks he’s pointing out something useful. He doesn’t feel like he’s kicking you. He feels like he’s solving a problem. But from where you’re standing, it lands as a kick every single time.
That gap between his intention and your experience is where so much damage happens in relationships. He’s thinking he’s being helpful. You’re feeling attacked. Nobody’s wrong, but nobody’s getting what they need either.
The second thing is about you. And this is the part I really want you to sit with. How are you responding when it happens? Are you defending yourself? Explaining yourself? Shutting down? Going cold? Because your response is information, not about whether you’re a good parent, but about what’s getting activated in you when he does this.
Here’s what I know for certain after sitting with thousands of couples: criticism about parenting almost never stays about parenting. It’s usually a delivery vehicle for something much deeper. Fear, disconnection, a need to feel like a team that’s not being met.
Maybe he’s scared about how the kids are turning out. Maybe he feels left out of parenting decisions. Maybe he’s trying to feel useful in the only way he knows how. None of that makes it okay, but it might help you understand what’s really happening.
So my first question to you would be: does he actually know how much this hurts you? Not that you’re annoyed. Not that you disagree. But that it actually hurts?
Because if he doesn’t know that, you’re both fighting the wrong fight. You’re defending your parenting choices when what you really need is for him to understand that his approach is damaging your connection. And he’s trying to solve parenting problems when what he really needs is to learn how to be your teammate instead of your critic.
That’s where real change can start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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