Oh, I hear you. And I want you to know that what you’re describing is one of the most common pressure points I see in my office. Not just “parenting is hard,” but “parenting a toddler is actively pulling my marriage apart at the seams.”
Here’s what I know is true: toddler tantrums don’t ruin marriages. But they do expose the cracks that were already there, and they create new ones if you’re not careful.
Let me tell you what I see happening in most couples at this stage.
You stop being partners and start being co-managers.
You’re both exhausted. You’re both overstimulated. You’ve both just survived forty five minutes of a small human screaming because their banana broke. And then you turn to each other, and instead of finding your teammate, you find someone to blame. Someone who handled it wrong. Someone who gives in too much, or is too strict, or wasn’t there when it happened.
The toddler becomes the wedge, but the wedge was waiting.
Here’s the real question I’d ask you:
When the tantrum is over and the kid is finally asleep, what happens between the two of you? Do you collapse separately, phones in hand, on opposite ends of the couch? Or do you look at each other and laugh, or cry, or just breathe together?
That moment right there tells me almost everything I need to know about where you are.
What I want you to think about is this:
Right now, you and your partner are likely not fighting about tantrums. You’re fighting about feeling alone in this. One of you feels unsupported. One of you feels criticized. One of you is drowning and the other one doesn’t seem to notice, or notices and doesn’t know what to do, which somehow feels worse.
The toddler is loud. Your need for your partner is louder. It’s just harder to say out loud.
What I’d encourage you to do:
Stop debating parenting strategy for a minute. That conversation will go in circles forever. Instead, try this: sit down with your partner and ask one question. Not “why don’t you back me up?” Not “why are you so inconsistent?” Ask this:
“Are you feeling as alone in this as I am?”
That question opens a door. And behind that door is usually two people who love each other and have completely forgotten to show it, because they’ve been too busy surviving a tiny dictator who hasn’t figured out emotional regulation yet.
That’s the work. Not fixing the tantrums. Finding your way back to each other through them.
You’re not failing. You’re in one of the hardest seasons a marriage goes through. But seasons change, and the couples who make it through this one are the ones who decide to face it together instead of across from each other.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
