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  • August 16, 2026

Stop avoiding conflict!...

Stop avoiding conflict!

Relationship Tip #5

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Here’s another relationship truth for you. This one’s a doozy.
Relationship Tip #5: Stop avoiding conflict!
You’re not doing your relationship any favors by avoiding conflict. The parts of you both that need love the most can use a dose of magic. 

And the magic happens after conflict in the repair. Conflict is normal. It’s not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. However, it’s important to understand the difference between abuse and normal (but ugly) conflict. You can read more about that from me here.

Fighting, arguing, feeling dissatisfied, a tiff, the cold shoulder, bickering, sniping, being passive aggressive, the silent treatment, WHATEVER it is that you and your partner suffer through when you have friction, is triggered by “disconnection.”

And disconnection SUCKS. It sucks because it hurts! 

Disconnection pokes at your most sensitive spots. It rips into that bag o’ wounds you learned about in my last article, and then it activates your moldy old pain. So of course it makes sense that you’ll do just about anything to not feel the hurt, you’ll most likely launch a protest that makes you behave like a jerk (remember truth #3). And your jerkish behavior causes conflict.

Worse? Disconnection is inevitable in a relationship with someone who is important to you.
Behind Door #1 is your wish come true: A RELATIONSHIP WITH NO CONFLICT EVER. 
Since you’re both imperfect emotional beings living in the real world, disconnection is inevitable. Remember, the HURT from disconnection triggers conflict … SO … if you genuinely don’t hurt when you’re disconnected, the love is most surely missing. That still sound like a wish come true?

Behind Door #2 is your worst nightmare: CONFLICT. 
UGH. Your partner is upset, which makes you feel like crap. So you both protest! Your dueling bags o’ wounds are torn open. BUT wait … hold up… What if while those bags were open, you recognized how vulnerable your partner is because you’re so important to them? Could you soften and love your partner, wounds and all? And what if your partner saw your suffering underneath your protest and soothed you when you were feeling so vulnerable? 

Oh my gosh. Not only did you just survive your worst nightmare, but the vulnerable parts of you that need love the most just received some lovin’.
Moments of conflict or disconnection don’t mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. 
In fact, they show you how much you both need each other in order to feel at ease in the world.

So fight often, but make up every time. 

You gotta learn how to see your yucky moments from an empathetic perspective (that your partner’s behaviors are a reflection of their vulnerability because you matter so much). 

And you gotta learn how to show up, make up, and love up the parts of you and your partner that really need each other! 

Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship! Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.

XXOOXX, 

Figs

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Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 41,000 relationship assessments.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Why is avoiding conflict bad for my relationship?+
Because avoidance is not peace. It is a slow death. When you avoid conflict, you are not protecting your relationship. You are starving it. Every avoided conversation is an unprocessed emotion that goes underground and builds pressure. Eventually it either explodes or it turns into contempt, which is the real relationship killer. Conflict is not the enemy of intimacy. Avoidance is. The couples who fight and repair are in far better shape than the couples who keep everything smooth on the surface while dying inside.
How do I stop being afraid of conflict with my partner?+
Understand what your body is actually afraid of. It is not the argument itself. It is the disconnection. It is the terror that this fight will prove you are unlovable or that your partner will leave. That fear comes from your attachment history, not from your current relationship. When you were young, conflict may have meant abandonment or violence or cold silence for days. So your nervous system learned: conflict equals danger, avoid at all costs. But in a healthy relationship, conflict is how you grow. The magic is always in the repair.
What happens to couples who never fight?+
They drift apart. Slowly, quietly, and sometimes irreversibly. I have seen this hundreds of times in my practice. The couples who never fight are often the ones who have given up on being known by each other. They have traded intimacy for comfort, and comfort for numbness. Fighting means you still care enough to protest. It means the connection still matters to you. The absence of conflict is not harmony. It is often resignation. If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, start with Figlet, our AI relationship coach, to begin understanding what you have been avoiding and why.