Stop bitchin’ and start connecting!...

Stop bitchin’ and start connecting!

Relationship Tip #3

Sometimes your partner can be a real jerk, but here’s another relationship truth for ya. 

You’re not wrong. I believe you. They CAN be a jerk. But guess what, so can you. And if you’re reading this thinking, “No way, I’m the good one and they’re the bad one and here’s why…” I refer you to…

Relationship Tip #3: Stop bitchin’ and start connecting!

The judging you’re doing when you decide they’re being a jerk is probably leading to some jerky behavior of your own. You are human after all. Your jerky stuff may not look anything like the jerky stuff they’re pulling, but it bugs your partner just the same.

The good news is … you two aren’t really jerks (even if you both act like it sometimes).

You’re both just hurting inside. 

You protest your hurt in a way that you think protects you from more pain. You’re unsuccessful, of course, because your protest behavior pokes at your partner’s most sensitive spots, which brings out the jerkiest behavior in them and that causes you even more hurt. 

You see where this is going?

The focus you continue to have on their jerkishness contributes to your own pain.

So, Figs, when they’re a jerk, am I supposed to ignore them being a big old jerk? 

Definitely not. Remember, they are being a jerk because they are hurting, and you’d never ignore someone in pain. SO … what would happen if instead of only seeing the jerky behavior, you also recognized that they were hurting? Can you see how you might not step so immediately into your Waltz of Pain?
Look, you both can be jerks, but it’s just because being disconnected from each other hurts so much. That’s the truth.

Can you both see that? 

It’s probably the most important perspective shift you can make to have a better relationship.

Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz— knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!

You CAN learn to love better. In fact, you’re already doing it!


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Figs is the creator of the Empathi method and the certification process for Empathi coaches. He’s also Chief Empathi Officer, husband, dad, wounded-healer and was featured on NPR’s All Things Considered as a champion for healthy relationships. Figs’ life’s mission is to help couples feel more connected.

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