Relationship Tip #3
Sometimes your partner can be a real jerk, but here’s another relationship truth for ya.
You’re not wrong. I believe you. They CAN be a jerk. But guess what, so can you. And if you’re reading this thinking, “No way, I’m the good one and they’re the bad one and here’s why…” I refer you to…
Relationship Tip #3: Stop bitchin’ and start connecting!
The judging you’re doing when you decide they’re being a jerk is probably leading to some jerky behavior of your own. You are human after all. Your jerky stuff may not look anything like the jerky stuff they’re pulling, but it bugs your partner just the same.
The good news is … you two aren’t really jerks (even if you both act like it sometimes).
You’re both just hurting inside.
You protest your hurt in a way that you think protects you from more pain. You’re unsuccessful, of course, because your protest behavior pokes at your partner’s most sensitive spots, which brings out the jerkiest behavior in them and that causes you even more hurt.
You see where this is going?
The focus you continue to have on their jerkishness contributes to your own pain.
Answer:
A couple in my office last week spent the first twenty minutes of our session
reading off a meticulous, bulleted list of each other’s failures. The wife was
leaning intensely across the couch, her voice tight with frustration,
aggressively itemizing every single time her husband had forgotten a chore,
messed up a schedule, or said the wrong thing. Her husband sat completely
frozen, arms crossed, staring at the floor while she essentially read him his
psychological rap sheet. I let her get through about half of her list before I
gently asked her to put the paper away. I’ve watched this hundreds of times in
my sixteen years of clinical practice. Pop psychology and well meaning friends
will tell you that venting your frustrations is healthy communication, and that
getting all your complaints out on the table is the first step to resolving
conflict. As a clinician, I have to tell you that this common advice is
completely wrong. When you are relentlessly bitching at your partner, you are
not actually communicating. You are actively destroying the emotional safety you
need to survive.
What I actually see when a partner complains endlessly is a terrified human
being who is desperately trying to establish a connection. You are both trapped
in what I clinically call the Waltz of Pain. In this severe negative cycle, the
anxious partner feels a subtle emotional distance and immediately panics.
Because their survival brain detects a life threatening abandonment, they pursue
their partner to forcefully reestablish the bond. But this pursuit almost always
comes out as harsh criticism, nagging, or relentless bitching. To the avoidant
partner sitting on the receiving end, this intense barrage of complaints feels
like a massive, suffocating wave of engulfment. They hear every single critique
as devastating proof that they are an utter disappointment who can never get it
right. Crushed by the weight of this inadequacy, their nervous system completely
short circuits, and they withdraw into dead silence to survive the emotional
flood.
The profound tragedy of this dynamic is that the complaining partner is not
intentionally trying to be cruel or toxic. They are screaming into a void
because they are starving for a sign that they matter, and their nervous system
is trying to force a reaction. But the more you complain and criticize, the
further your partner retreats behind their protective walls, instantly
confirming your absolute worst fears. You simply cannot fix a biological
attachment wound by aggressively litigating your partner’s flaws or keeping a
meticulous scorecard of their mistakes. Your partner’s flooded nervous system
will never respond to a barrage of complaints with open, loving vulnerability.
If you are utterly exhausted by the constant bickering and want to know how to
drop the heavy armor of criticism so you can finally get your deepest emotional
needs met, we have to completely change the way you reach for each other.
Conversation: 2d6d572e-0615-40d0-857d-57a25ae124cd (turn 1)
So, Figs, when they’re a jerk, am I supposed to ignore them being a big old jerk?
Definitely not. Remember, they are being a jerk because they are hurting, and you’d never ignore someone in pain. SO … what would happen if instead of only seeing the jerky behavior, you also recognized that they were hurting? Can you see how you might not step so immediately into your Waltz of Pain?
Look, you both can be jerks, but it’s just because being disconnected from each other hurts so much. That’s the truth.
Can you both see that?
It’s probably the most important perspective shift you can make to have a better relationship.
Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz— knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!
You CAN learn to love better. In fact, you’re already doing it!
Figs Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.
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