Relationship Tip #2: The way you talk about the problem is the problem.
You wanna improve your relationship today? Stop asking your partner to change.
What????? Have I lost my flippin’ Couples Therapist mind?
I don’t know, you tell me…
How well does it work when they tell YOU to be different, especially in the middle of a fight?
Do you welcome that with an open heart, step into the change-o-matic, and then show up in a new and improved way? Or do you protest that feedback by blaming or punishing them?!
Every time you tell your partner what they are doing wrong and ask them to change their behavior all you succeed in doing is send the message that you are disappointed in them or that they let you down. And in response, they will either pull away or get defensive.
Well damn, that doesn’t feel good when they do that!
So what can you do instead?
Talk to FigletFigs’ AI mini meHere now, ready when you are
You explain what they did wrong, and they get defensive.
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Ask Figlet about asking them to change.
Start sharing your feelings, and make sure you include how your partner is important to you when you do.
“I feel sad that you didn’t come home until nine. I missed you because spending time with you is so important.”
Notice, I didn’t ask for anything.
I shared my vulnerable feeling: “I feel sad”
I shared the way the feeling exists because my wife is so important to me (because it’s true): “I’m sad because I missed you and I just love spending time with you.”
So remember, when your feelings are hurt, try not to ask for your needs to be met. INSTEAD, feel the feeling and then share the feeling itself and the reason why you’re feeling it. SPOILER ALERT: You’re feeling it because your partner is so important to you!
Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!
Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
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Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #79062) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 58,000 relationship assessments.
A couples therapist on the three-part test for whether a shut-down husband can change, the 60-day experiment to run before deciding, and when to leave.
A couples therapist on why loneliness inside a marriage hurts more than being single, how couples drift into roommates, and the one thing to say tonight.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why does the way I talk about problems make things worse?+
Because the moment you tell your partner what they need to change, their nervous system hears one thing: "You are not enough." That is not a conversation. That is an attack on their sense of worth. And when people feel attacked, they do not open up, they protect themselves. They shut down or they fight back. So your perfectly logical complaint lands like a grenade. The way you talk about the problem IS the problem because you are leading with criticism instead of leading with what you feel underneath the frustration. The real issue is almost never what you think it is.
How do I bring up issues without starting a fight?+
Start with yourself, not with them. Instead of saying "You never listen to me," try "I feel alone when I can not get through to you." That is not just a word swap. It is a completely different nervous system event for your partner. When you lead with blame, you activate their defense system. When you lead with vulnerability, you activate their care system. This is what I call getting underneath the Waltz of Pain. Two childhood strategies collide in every fight, and neither partner caused the wound they are triggering in the other. Your job is to show your hurt, not your armor.
What if my partner gets defensive no matter how I say it?+
Then you are probably dealing with someone whose nervous system is wired to hear criticism even when it is not there. That is not a character flaw. That is an attachment wound. They learned early in life that feedback equals rejection. The key is not finding the perfect words. The key is building enough emotional safety that your partner's body can actually receive what you are saying without going into survival mode. This takes practice and patience. If you want to start understanding these patterns right now, try Figlet, our AI relationship coach that helps you see the cycle you are stuck in and begin to shift it.
