I want to sit with you in this for a moment, because “trust broken by broken promises” is one of the most painful places a person can land in a relationship.
Here’s what I know from my work: when trust breaks, we almost always rush to assign blame. One person promised. One person broke it. One person is the problem. But I want to offer you a different lens.
When promises get broken, the nervous system can’t rest because the ground keeps shifting underneath it. Your body registers this instability. You stop being able to trust the future. You start bracing instead of breathing.
And here’s the thing about that bracing—it becomes its own problem. The person who was hurt starts protecting themselves, raising their guard, withdrawing from vulnerability. Meanwhile, the person who broke the promise often drowns in shame, which can look like withdrawal or defensiveness or even attack.
Then both people are in their protector parts. Both are doing exactly what they need to do to survive the pain. From the outside it looks like one person is cold and one person is guilty, but underneath? Both are scared.
These protector parts aren’t who either of you are. They’re adaptations. They’re what the nervous system does when it feels unsafe.
The real work happens when both partners can stop protecting themselves from each other and start protecting the relationship together. But that shift can’t happen while both people are still in survival mode.
I see couples get stuck here all the time. The hurt partner thinks they need guarantees before they can trust again. The promise-breaker thinks they need forgiveness before they can show up differently. Both are waiting for the other to move first.
But trust isn’t rebuilt through promises. It’s rebuilt through consistent, small actions over time. It’s the promise-breaker learning to tolerate their shame without defending against it. It’s the hurt partner learning to notice when their nervous system is activated and communicating that instead of shutting down.
It’s messy work. It means the hurt partner might need to risk being disappointed again. It means the promise-breaker has to sit in the reality of the damage they caused without trying to fix it with words.
What I’ve learned is this: the couples who make it through don’t do it by going back to who they were before the trust broke. They do it by becoming people who can hold this kind of rupture together, who can say “this happened, it hurt us both, and we’re going to figure out how to be different going forward.”
The broken promise isn’t just about what didn’t happen. It’s about what it revealed—maybe that you’re both carrying more than the relationship can hold right now, or that old wounds are still driving the bus. The real question isn’t just how to rebuild trust, but how to build the kind of relationship that can weather this kind of storm.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
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