You know what I notice when someone says those words to me? “My husband won’t be transparent.” I notice how much pain is packed into that one sentence. Because what you’re really saying underneath it is: I don’t feel safe. I don’t know who I’m with. I can’t trust what I’m seeing.
Let me ask you something first, because this matters a lot.
What does “not transparent” look like in your house? Because that phrase covers a lot of ground. It might mean he hides finances. It might mean he shuts down when you ask questions. It might mean you ask him how he’s feeling and you get “fine” every single time. It might mean something more serious, like you’ve found things that don’t add up.
The shape of it really matters before we go further.
But here’s what I can tell you right now, regardless of the specifics.
Transparency in a relationship isn’t just about honesty as a character trait. It’s about whether someone feels safe enough to be seen. Some people hide because they’re protecting something from you. And some people hide because somewhere along the way, being visible felt dangerous to them.
Those are two very different problems, and they need very different responses from you.
What I want you to sit with is this: when you ask him for more openness, what happens in that moment? Does he get defensive? Does he go quiet? Does he turn it back on you? Does he promise to do better but nothing changes?
Because his response to your request for closeness is actually the most important data you have right now.
I’ve seen couples where the husband was hiding an affair, and I’ve seen couples where the husband learned early that sharing meant getting criticized or overwhelmed someone he loved. I’ve seen men who withhold because they like the power, and I’ve seen men who withhold because they’re drowning in shame.
Same behavior, completely different engines underneath.
What you’re describing, this feeling of reaching for someone and finding a wall, that’s one of the loneliest experiences in a marriage. You’re living with someone who feels like a stranger. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not fair to you.
But here’s the thing I need you to understand: you can’t transparency someone into being transparent. You can’t love them into it, argue them into it, or suffer them into it.
What you can do is get really clear about what you’re actually dealing with and what you’re willing to live with. Because right now, you’re probably spending a lot of energy trying to solve a puzzle you don’t have all the pieces to.
The wall your husband has built isn’t about you, but the impact on you is real. And you deserve to understand what that wall is actually made of before you decide whether you’re going to keep trying to climb it.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
