Trust issues in marriage. Let me sit with that for a second, because that phrase carries a lot of weight and it can mean so many different things depending on where you’re sitting in the relationship.
Here’s what I know to be true after sixteen years of sitting with couples: Trust doesn’t usually break in one dramatic moment. It erodes. It erodes through the small moments where one partner reached for the other and got nothing back. Or worse, got something that hurt.
Every small moment of reaching ended in a quiet sting.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about when trust feels broken.
Over time, those moments pile up, and what you’re left with is two people who have started protecting themselves from each other instead of protecting the relationship together. That’s the opposite of what we want. We want both of you on the same team, looking outward at the problem together, rather than looking across the room at each other like the other person IS the problem.
Trust issues, at their core, are a signal that you’ve lost that teamwork. You’re in self-protection mode, and honestly, that makes complete sense. Your nervous system learned to do that for a reason.
Now here’s the piece I really want you to hear: Trust gets rebuilt through repair. Not through promises. Not through long conversations at midnight that go in circles. It gets rebuilt through the small, consistent, visible moments where one person does the hard thing and the other person actually feels it.
I call this the Proof of Work of Love. It’s the felt evidence that someone showed up for you through the discomfort. That they chose connection over self-protection in a real moment, not a hypothetical one.
Every small moment of reaching ended in a quiet sting.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about when trust feels broken.
Maybe your partner finally admits they were defensive instead of explaining why you’re wrong. Maybe they put their phone down when you’re talking, even though they really want to check that text. Maybe they say “I can see why you felt left out” instead of defending their intentions.
These aren’t grand gestures. They’re micro-moments of vulnerability that signal safety. Your nervous system is keeping score of these moments, whether you realize it or not.
The tricky part? The person who broke the trust has to be willing to be uncomfortable for a while. They have to earn their way back into emotional safety through consistent actions, not explanations about why they’re trustworthy.
And the person whose trust was broken? They have to be willing to notice when repair happens, even when it’s small. Even when they don’t feel like giving credit yet.
Trust issues aren’t really about trust. They’re about safety. And safety gets rebuilt one small, brave choice at a time.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Which pattern is running your relationship?
Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Explore More Topics
Keep Reading
Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
No signup needed to start.
The Relentless
The Reluctant
