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Figs O'Sullivan

  • August 20, 2026

Unabashed Authenticity Wins Every Time...

Unabashed Authenticity Wins Every Time

Listen: the Figlet podcast episode on this

Full episode with show notes

🎧 Prefer to listen? Unabashed Authenticity Wins Every Time the audio version from the Figlet daily podcast.

Talk to FigletFigs’ AI mini meHere now, ready when you are

You exhaust yourself hiding the places where you feel ashamed.

Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?

Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.

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Ask Figlet about letting yourself be seen.

✨☀️ It’s unbelievably powerful to be comfortable with myself. This is who I am, these are the places I can feel ashamed. I get angry too, I shut down too. It helps people feel safe, it helps them feel contained. The most important rule for me is that no one ever leaves my office feeling shamed. I’m a wounded healer and I lead with it.

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Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #79062) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 58,000 relationship assessments.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What does it mean to be a wounded healer in therapy?+
I didn't come to this work because therapy fascinated me. I came because my own marriage almost imploded and I had to learn how to repair what felt irreparable. Being a wounded healer means I lead with my own lived experience of screwing up, shutting down, and doing the hard work of repair. When I tell couples that I get triggered too, that I've been the Reluctant Lover hiding in the basement, it normalizes their struggle without shaming them. Your nervous system can sense authenticity, and it relaxes when it knows the person guiding you has walked through the same fire.
Why is therapist authenticity important for couples therapy?+
Because your relationship is dealing with Babies in Love dynamics, not adult logic problems. When two childhood strategies collide in the Waltz of Pain, shame is the toxic fuel that keeps the cycle spinning. If I sit there pretending I'm some perfectly regulated human who never loses his shit, your nervous system knows I'm lying. That creates more shame, not less. But when I own that I've been both the Relentless and Reluctant Lover in my own marriage, suddenly you're not broken. You're human, doing human things, and there's a path forward.
How can I be more authentic in my relationship without making things worse?+
Start with owning your part in the Versus Illusion. Instead of 'You always shut down,' try 'I get scared when I can't reach you, and I know my panic makes you want to retreat even more.' That's authenticity without attack. The goal isn't to vomit your feelings everywhere, but to show up as a real person instead of a perfect performance. Your partner's nervous system is starving for the proof-of-work of real empathy, not another polished apology. If you need help practicing this kind of vulnerable honesty, Figlet, our AI relationship coach, can help you script these conversations before you have them.