So you fight about social media use. Let me ask you something first: what are you actually fighting about?
Because here’s what I know after 17 years of sitting with couples in my office. The content is almost never the cause. The phone, the scrolling, the time spent on Instagram or TikTok, that’s just the stage where your pain decided to perform today.
You sit right beside them and still feel miles away.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
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Ask Figlet about fighting over screen time.
Underneath every fight about screen time, there are really only two questions running the show: “Are you there for me?” and “Am I enough for you?”
When one partner says “You’re always on your phone,” what they’re actually saying is “I don’t feel like I matter to you. When I’m sitting right here and you’re scrolling, I feel invisible.” And the partner holding the phone? They might be hearing “You’re doing it wrong again. Nothing you do is ever right.”
See how quickly this stops being about social media?
I’ve watched couples get into screaming matches about Instagram likes while completely missing the real conversation. One person is saying “I need to know I’m your priority” and the other is saying “I need to not feel controlled.” Both are valid. Both are scared. And both are talking past each other.
The phone becomes this perfect symbol for all our modern anxieties about connection. Are we close enough? Are we too close? Are you comparing me to other people? Are you looking for something I can’t give you?
Here’s what actually works: get curious instead of critical. Instead of “You’re always on that thing,” try “When you’re scrolling and I’m right here, I feel like I’m competing for your attention, and that scares me.”
You sit right beside them and still feel miles away.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about fighting over screen time.
That’s a completely different conversation. One starts the same old cycle. The other breaks it wide open.
Because the truth is, most of us are using our phones to manage something. Anxiety, boredom, overwhelm, the need for validation. Your partner isn’t choosing their phone over you. They’re probably trying to regulate their nervous system, and they might not even know it.
The solution isn’t monitoring each other’s screen time like you’re parenting teenagers. It’s figuring out what each of you actually needs. Maybe it’s more intentional time together. Maybe it’s understanding what social media gives your partner that they’re not getting elsewhere. Maybe it’s creating phone-free zones where you can actually see each other.
But first, you have to stop fighting about the phone and start talking about what the phone represents. Because when you can say to each other “I miss you when you’re scrolling” and “I use my phone when I’m overwhelmed,” you’re finally having the right conversation.
If any of this is landing close to home, you can talk it through right now with Figlet, Figs’ AI mini me, and get an answer about your own situation in seconds. Ask Figlet about fighting over screen time..
The phone isn’t your enemy. Disconnection is. And the beautiful thing about recognizing that? You can actually do something about it.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating in Your Relationship
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