Here’s what I’ve learned after 16+ years sitting with couples in crisis: the question “what is cheating?” is really the wrong question. The right question is: what shattered the trust between you two?
I’ve had couples where one partner felt utterly betrayed by their spouse having deep emotional conversations with a coworker. Nothing physical happened. No sexting. But the betrayed partner felt like their most intimate space had been invaded by a stranger.
I’ve also worked with couples who weathered a physical affair because, paradoxically, it forced them to deal with problems they’d been avoiding for years. The betrayed partner felt hurt, yes, but not fundamentally unsafe in the relationship.
The difference? What each couple had agreed mattered most to them.
Think of trust like the foundation of a house. When someone asks “what counts as damage to the foundation?” they’re really asking “what makes the house unsafe to live in?” A crack might be fine. A massive structural shift? That’s a different story.
In relationships, betrayal happens when one person makes choices that fundamentally disregard their partner’s sense of safety and significance. Sometimes that’s obvious: secret affairs, hidden relationships, lying about where you’ve been. Sometimes it’s subtler: developing intimate emotional connections outside the relationship, sharing things with others that your partner thought were just between you two.
The act itself matters less than what it communicates: “I made choices that didn’t consider how they would affect you.” That’s the real betrayal.
I’ve sat with couples devastated by emotional affairs that never got physical. I’ve worked with others rebuilding after one-night stands. I’ve seen relationships rocked by financial infidelity, by lies about addiction, by secret friendships that crossed boundaries they’d never explicitly discussed.
What all these situations share is this: one person’s actions left their partner feeling like they didn’t matter enough to be considered. Like they couldn’t count on their most important person to keep them in mind when making choices.
So instead of asking “is this cheating?” ask yourself: “Would my partner feel safe and valued if they knew about this choice I’m making?” If the answer is no, and you do it anyway, you’re crossing into betrayal territory.
Every relationship gets to define its own boundaries. Some couples are fine with close friendships across gender lines. Others aren’t. Some can handle their partner finding other people attractive and even talking about it. Others need that kept private. None of this is right or wrong, it’s just what works for each couple.
The real work isn’t figuring out universal rules about cheating. It’s figuring out what makes each of you feel secure and valued, then making choices that honor that.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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If you’re ready for in-person help in the Bay Area, Empathi’s San Francisco couples therapy practice offers Emotionally Focused Therapy with Fiachra “Figs” O’Sullivan, LMFT and Teale Taxis, LMFT.
