So you’re wondering what to actually walk into. Good. That’s exactly the right question to be asking before you come sit down with someone like me.
Let me just tell you what I actually do, because I think people imagine all sorts of things, and most of them are wrong.
The first thing I want you to know is that I am not there to find out who the bad guy is. I know that’s what both of you are secretly worried about. One of you thinks, “Finally, someone’s going to hear my side.” And the other one is sitting in the waiting room thinking, “I’m about to be found out.” Neither of those things is what’s happening.
What I’m doing in that first session is I’m trying to get us all on the same page. I call it an organizing session. We’re like three scientists trying to figure out, what is actually the system you two have gotten yourselves into together? Not who started it. Not whose fault it is. What is the loop you’re both caught in?
Because here is what I know before you even open your mouth. You’re both hurting. And everything you’ve each been doing to try to make it better has probably been making it worse. That’s not a criticism. That’s just what happens when two people who love each other get scared. You’re both running around with a can you think has water in it, and it’s actually gasoline.
So in that first session, don’t expect to have some magical breakthrough moment where everything heals. That’s not realistic, and honestly it would worry me if it happened too fast. What I’m hoping for is something simpler. I want both of you to leave feeling like, “Okay, I think that person actually gets what’s happening here.” Just that. A little bit of safety. A little bit of, “We’re not completely lost on the map.”
I also want you to know that the goal of this work is for you to not need me anymore. I’m not trying to build a relationship where you’re coming to see me forever. I want to graduate you. I want to get you to a place where you understand yourselves, you understand what you’re co-creating together, and you can find your way back to each other without me in the room.
And one more thing. If one of you gets dragged there, if one of you is skeptical, that’s completely fine. I’ve worked with more skeptical partners than I can count. All I ask is that you show up. Because honestly, just showing up when things are hard? That’s already something worth honoring.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
