Oh, that’s a painful one. Weeks. That’s a long time to be in the cold.
Let me just sit with you for a second in that. Because what you’re describing, the silence, the weeks of it, that’s not nothing. That’s its own kind of suffering. And I want you to know it makes complete sense that you’re hurting right now.
Here’s what I want you to understand about what’s happening, because I think it’ll actually help.
When someone goes silent like that, weeks of it, what I see clinically is not someone who has stopped loving you. What I see is someone who is in so much pain, or so much fear, that they have gone into what I’d call full withdrawal. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your wife is in flight. She’s gone quiet because somewhere inside her, that feels safer than the alternative.
Now, I know that doesn’t make it hurt less. But here’s the thing I’d ask you to sit with. Both of you are hurting right now. You’re hurting because she won’t talk to you. She’s hurting because of something, and we’d need to know what that something is. But I promise you, no one goes silent for weeks because everything’s fine inside them. She’s not okay either.
The cycle you two are in right now, you reaching, her withdrawing, or maybe you also withdrawing, both of you in your separate corners, both of you hurting, both of you looking to the other like they’re withholding love. That is the thing that needs attention. Not the original fight. Not who was right. The fact that right now, in this moment, you’re both suffering and you’re both alone in it.
So what do you actually do?
First, I’d ask you to genuinely get curious, not defensive, not strategic, just genuinely curious about what she might be protecting herself from right now. What does silence mean for her? What happened that made talking feel more dangerous than weeks of distance?
Second, I’d gently invite connection. Not to fix it. Not to relitigate whatever happened. But to say something like, “I see we’re both hurting. I miss you. I don’t want us to stay here.” Short. Soft. No agenda attached to it.
And third, honestly? If weeks of silence is a pattern, or if this one has stretched on long enough that you genuinely don’t know how to find each other anymore, that’s what a good couples therapist is for. This is exactly the work. Not because anything is broken beyond repair, but because sometimes you need a third person in the room to help both of you feel safe enough to take the first step toward each other.
What I know for certain is this. You wrote to me. Which means you care. Which means the love is still there. That’s where we start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Stonewalling in Relationships: What Your Partner’s Silence Actually Means
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