Better Methods. Better Lovin.
Betrayal doesn’t have to be the end of your story.
Betrayal Changes Everything
When trust has been shattered, your world turns upside down.
Our therapeutic approaches are proven to help.
Affair recovery specialists with proven therapeutic approaches.
Figs and Teale are both licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) who specialize in affair recovery using a unique blend of the Empathi Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). We’ll help you understand the trauma response betrayal creates, work through the difficult emotions together, and guide you toward rebuilding trust and connection.
We are extremely selective about which therapists are invited to join our practice.
Each of our marriage and family therapists are trained to use our proprietary blend of the Empathi Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). We’ll help you understand both your intrapersonal and interpersonal struggles in a way that guides you to communicate better, repair after fights, and feel more deeply and securely connected.
Clinical research shows that 86% of couples improve after a brief period of EFT guidance, and 73% have maintained their improvements when we check back two years later.
You Can't Just "Move On"—And That's Normal
If you’ve discovered an affair, your world has been turned upside down. You might find yourself checking phones, asking the same questions over and over, or swinging between rage and despair within minutes.
If you’re the one who strayed, you may be desperate to fix things, wondering why your partner can’t just accept your apology and move forward.
Here’s what we want you to know: This isn’t about someone being “too sensitive” or someone else “not trying hard enough.” Betrayal creates a trauma response in the nervous system. Your body is responding to a very real threat to your sense of safety.
Standard couples therapy often fails after an affair because it treats both partners as equally responsible from day one. But in the immediate aftermath of betrayal, the injury isn’t symmetrical. You need a specialized approach.
Take the first step toward healing.
Is Affair Recovery Therapy Right for You?
If you’ve discovered an affair, you’re probably experiencing things that feel crazy but are actually completely normal: checking phones obsessively, asking the same questions over and over, swinging between rage and despair within minutes.
If you’re the one who strayed, you might be desperate to fix things—saying “I’m sorry, it’s over, I chose you”—and wondering why your partner can’t just accept your apology and move forward.
Both responses make sense. And both need specialized support to move through.
Do I need Empathi couples therapy?
When a relationship is new, a couple feels like they’re on top of the world. The sky seems brighter, the flowers bloom more vibrantly, and food even tastes better. It feels as if everything was made just for them.
But the passage of time takes a toll on the vibrancy and magic couples once felt.
Soon couples have fights and hardships, as well as jobs, friends, and family outside of the relationship that redirect their attention. After a while, what was fresh and invigorating begins to feel routine, or worse: painful.
If you’re in a committed relationship or marriage that seems like it has become stuck or stalled, that doesn’t mean it’s the end. Quality couples therapy can help restore vitality and joy to your relationship. Reach out to Empathi today and start to make the world around you bright again.
The Empathi Method for Affair Recovery
As Certified EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) therapists—with Teale also serving as a Certified EFT Supervisor—we’ve developed an integrated approach that honors both the trauma of betrayal and the possibility of repair.
Our approach moves through three essential phases:
Phase 1: Closing the Door
Before any healing can begin, we need to establish safety. This means ensuring the affair is truly over, creating transparency, and helping the betrayed partner’s nervous system begin to settle. We can’t do surgery while the patient is still bleeding.
Phase 2: One-Way Repair
This is where standard couples therapy gets it wrong. In this phase, we temporarily pause the “we both contributed” conversation. The partner who strayed must learn to witness their partner’s pain without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. This creates the “missing experience”—being truly seen and validated—that begins to clean the wound.
Phase 3: Rebuilding Together
Only after the acute injury has been addressed can we move into traditional couples work. Here we explore what made the relationship vulnerable, rebuild trust through consistent action, and create a new foundation—one based not on naive assumptions but on the proven knowledge that you can survive the worst and choose each other again.
Here are some of the issues our clients in San Francisco have
Whether you found out yesterday or years ago, the shattered reality is real. You look back and wonder: What was true? When we were on that vacation, were you texting them? We help you rebuild a shared reality based on truth, not secrets.
An affair doesn’t have to be physical to break trust. When your partner gave their emotional intimacy to someone else, the conversations, the inside jokes, the vulnerability that should have been yours, your nervous system registers the same threat. We treat emotional affairs with the same seriousness as physical ones.
You stayed together. You “did the work.” But every few weeks, something triggers you, a late night at work, a hidden phone screen, and suddenly you’re back in the trauma, asking the same questions. This is the “Never Forget / Never Forgiven” loop, and it doesn’t have to continue forever.
When you try to express how much you’re hurting, your partner shuts down, gets defensive, or collapses into “I’m such a terrible person.” This leaves you alone in your pain again. We help the betraying partner learn to witness your hurt without making it about themselves.
He rolls his eyes. She explodes. The same cycle, over and over. What looks like dismissiveness is often despair. He feels like he’s serving a life sentence. What looks like nagging is often terror. She needs to know it’s safe to trust again. We help you see what’s really happening beneath the fight.
You don’t know if this relationship can survive, or if you even want it to. That’s okay. We don’t push you toward a predetermined outcome. We help you find clarity, whether that’s rebuilding together or separating with understanding.
If any of this sounds familiar, we can help. Reach out and let’s talk about what you’re facing.
What if we've tried couples therapy before and it didn't help?
Standard couples therapy often fails after an affair because it treats both partners as equally responsible from day one. Therapists want to explore “what led to this” and get both of you to “own your part.”
But in the immediate aftermath of betrayal, the injury isn’t symmetrical. One person dropped a bomb. The other person was standing in the explosion.
If your previous therapist tried to get you both to “take responsibility” before the wound was even cleaned, it probably felt like gaslighting. It probably made things worse.
Our approach is different. We do something called One-Way Repair first, where the partner who strayed learns to fully witness the pain they caused without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. Only after that work is done do we move into traditional couples therapy.
This isn’t about punishment. It’s about creating the experience of being truly seen, the experience that was missing when the affair was happening.
Here are the ways we make it easy:
- With experienced professionals who know how to make you feel welcome the moment you walk in the door.
- We offer a fun and simple quiz to ease you into the process and help get at the heart of your issues before we begin.
- We all fear the unknown. Our podcast, Come Here to Me offers fun insights into what you can expect from relationship therapy sessions.
In this episode of Come Here To Me, we explain how we bring couples back from the brink after betrayal – from years-long affairs to smaller breaks in trust.
Figs is the creator of the Empathi method and the certification process for Empathi therapists. He’s also Chief Empathi Officer, husband, dad, wounded-healer and was featured on NPR’s All Things Considered as a champion for healthy relationships.
Figs’ life’s mission is to help couples feel more connected.
Teale is a wife, mother, artist and passionate advocate for love relationships. She has a special focus on cultural sensitivity, parenting, and how to prevent and repair affairs and other relationship injuries. Teale loves working with people to facilitate their greater sense of self-acceptance and capacity to experience joy and connection.
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More Couples Therapy Near You
We offer virtual counseling across the nation.
We are passionate about healing relationships.
Our team of couples counselors and marriage counselors can help you reconnect and discover that loving feeling.
- Feel safe to be your true self in life and love.
- Heal from recent or past grief and loss.
- Connect in a deeper and more authentic way.
- Stop having the same argument(s) over and over again.
- Avoid being disappointed in each other so much.
- Recover from infidelity or other breach of trust.
- Get back to more joy, laughter, and fun together.
- Work on your relationship even though your partner doesn't seem available.
FAQ for Affair Recovery Therapy
Read our San Francisco FAQ or request your free consult now and get answers directly!
How long does affair recovery take?
Most couples need 6-12 months of consistent work to move through the acute phase. Full healing—where the affair becomes part of your story rather than the thing that defines it—typically takes 1-2 years. We’ll give you a realistic timeline based on your specific situation.
How much does couples therapy in San Francisco cost?
Couples counseling in San Francisco ranges on average from $120 to $250 per therapy hour. Some skilled therapists are in higher demand, and so have a higher rate. Skill and training also play a large part in the pricing of marriage therapy in San Francisco. Some therapists cost more, but these tend to be specialized experts in their field who have a high success rate.
At Empathi, we offer a range of pricing. Our experienced, licensed couples counseling professionals provide you with personalized guidance and give you the tools you need to restore vibrancy to your relationship.
Can a relationship really survive an affair?
Yes. Couples who do the repair work properly often end up with stronger relationships than before—not despite the affair, but because the crisis forced them to finally address what wasn’t working. That said, not every relationship should survive, and we’ll help you find clarity either way.
What if my partner won’t come to therapy?
You can start alone. Individual therapy can help you process the trauma, get clarity on what you want, and prepare for conversations with your partner: whether that leads to couples work or not.
Additionally, do not ask your reluctant partner to engage in a long process. Just ask them to attend 1 session. Let Figs and or Teale provide enough value tha tthey are open to come back for more.
What’s the difference between affair recovery therapy and regular couples counseling?
Standard couples therapy treats both partners as equal contributors from day one. Affair recovery requires a different approach: we address the trauma first, help the partner who strayed fully witness the pain they caused, and only then move into understanding what made the relationship vulnerable.
Do you work with couples where the affair is still happening?
We require that the affair be fully ended before we begin. Your nervous system cannot heal while the threat is still active. Phase 1 of our work is “Closing the Door”—we can’t move forward until that door is genuinely closed.
How many couples therapists are in San Francisco, CA?
Statistically, couples therapists are lumped in with marriage and family therapists. The most recent data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics places just over 60,000 people employed nationally as couples or family therapists. There are roughly 32,000 employed in the state of California, which is the highest number in the nation. San Francisco has just over 3,300 therapists who specialize in couples and marriage counseling.
A number of sites have a list for best relationship counseling. A search of best couples counselors in the San Francisco area places Empathi founder, Fiachra Figs O’Sullivan in the top 10 list on Yelp and the top 5 list on GuideDoc.
How much does affair recovery therapy cost?
There are many good couples Our rates range depending on which therapist you work with. Figs is $600/hour, Teale is $450/hour, and our other team members range from $275-315/hour. Schedule a free consult and we’ll match you with the right therapist for your situation and budget.
How do I choose a good couples therapist in San Francisco, CA?
There are many good couples therapists out there, but it’s important to find the right therapist for you and your partner.
It may be important to find out if your values and principles align with your counselor’s. A therapy plan is far more likely to be effective if it’s driven by someone who can understand your point of view and leave harmful friction out of your sessions. That’s why we at Empathi emphasize empathy and validation as key components to the Empathi Method.
Generally, it’s a good idea to ask a potential therapist some questions before deciding on who to go with. This ensures a greater likelihood of landing on a counselor who’s right for you.
Communication is also important. You want to be sure that your counselor understands you both and that they can effectively convey their messages to you.
Do you work with couples where the affair is still happening?
In an ideal world, the affair would be fully ended before we begin. Your nervous system cannot heal while the threat is still active. Phase 1 of our work is “Closing the Door”—we can’t move forward until that door is genuinely closed.
But we will start from where we are. We don’t always get to start from ideal circumstances. Nothing about what you are going through is “ideal”.
Affair Recovery Therapy That Works
There Is Someone Else in the Room
When a couple comes into my office after an affair, there is a frantic energy in the room.
Usually, the partner who had the affair is desperate to fix it. They are saying things like, “I am so sorry. It is over. I chose you. Can we please just move forward?”
And the partner who was betrayed is spinning. Asking for details. Checking phones. Furious one minute and collapsed the next.
The betrayer looks at me like, “Figs, help me get them to stop dwelling on this so we can be happy again.”
And I have to tell them the hard truth: you cannot move on. Not yet.
In attachment terms, an affair is not just a behavior. It is the introduction of a Third Party into the primary bond. Your nervous system rests because it believes two things are true: I am your priority. I am enough for you. When an affair happens, both of those beliefs shatter simultaneously. That creates a trauma response. The betrayed partner is not “dwelling” on the past. Their body is scanning for danger in the present.
This is why standard couples therapy fails after betrayal.
Why Standard Couples Therapy Fails After an Affair
Most couples therapy assumes both people are ready to work on the “We”, the shared system you co-create together.
But after a betrayal, we have to pause the We work.
If I try to get the betrayed partner to own their part too early, it feels like gaslighting. It feels like I am saying, well, you were distant, so he cheated. That destroys safety. You cannot ask the person you ran over to apologize for standing in the road.
In the immediate aftermath of betrayal, the injury is not symmetrical. One person dropped a bomb. The other person was standing in the explosion.
This is why we do something different.
The Empathi Method for Affair Recovery
Phase 1 – Closing the Door
Before any healing can begin, we have to close the door.
If the affair partner is still in the picture, or if the door is even slightly ajar, the nervous system cannot settle. It is like trying to do surgery while the patient is still bleeding out.
The betrayer has to be willing to close the door completely. And they have to be willing to show their partner, again and again, that the door is closed. This feels tedious. It feels like being policed. But it is the only way to lower the threat level enough to even begin the real work.
Phase 2 – One-Way Repair
For a season, the traffic has to flow one way.
Here is the biggest obstacle: it is not lack of love. It is shame.
The partner who had the affair is often drowning in shame. They feel like a monster. They look at their partner’s pain and it confirms their worst fear: I am bad. I am destructive. I am unworthy. So when the betrayed partner starts crying or asks questions, the betrayer collapses. They shut down. They say, “I can’t talk about this anymore, I’m such a piece of sh*t.”
This is a disaster. When you collapse into “I am bad,” you make the moment about you. You abandon your partner again.
In One-Way Repair, we shift what I call the Cocktail of Shame. Right now, the betrayer’s internal cocktail is 100% “I feel bad about myself.” We need to shift that ratio to 20% “I feel bad about myself” and 80% “My heart is breaking for you.” Moving from self-focus to other-focus. You have to learn to tolerate the heat of your own guilt so you can stay present for their pain.
The goal is to create what I call the Missing Experience. When the affair was happening, the betrayed partner was alone. Their intuition was screaming, but nobody validated it. In this repair, we create the opposite experience. You are telling the truth. You are validating their pain. You are staying in the room when it gets hard. This is the Proof of Work of repair. You cannot fake it. You cannot fast-forward it. You have to sit in the fire with them until the fever breaks.
Phase 3 – Rebuilding Together
Only after the acute injury has been addressed can we move into traditional couples work.
For most affairs, there was an emotional system that the couple were in that went unattended. A vacuum in the emotional bond that nobody named. Phase 3 is where we get to understand that system, not to excuse what happened, but to build something that will not be vulnerable in the same way again.
This is where we stop building on the assumption that you will never hurt each other, and start building on the rock-solid knowledge that you can survive the hurt and choose each other again.
What It Sounds Like in the Room
When I work with the partner who strayed, I start by saying: I get you must be dying right now. I am on your team. And then I help them learn exactly what their partner needs to hear, not an apology, but a commitment: I expect that for the rest of your life you are going to see something that triggers you. And I will always be there. I am not going to ever try and rush you to forgive me.
When I work with the betrayed partner, the first thing I want them to know is this: No one in the entire universe has the right to ask you or expect you to be available to repair this injury. You have every right to be hurt. You have every right to never trust again. You do not have to look at what happened in this relationship that could have led to this. Not yet. Maybe never.
Affair Recovery for High-Achieving San Francisco Couples
If you are coming to see us here in San Francisco, you are probably extraordinary at solving problems. You are used to diagnosing a situation, building a plan, and executing.
But what you are not necessarily used to is realizing there is an emotional system at play that does not respond to logic or willpower.
We see this constantly with Bay Area tech couples, founders, executives, and dual-career professionals. The same precision that built your career becomes the thing that gets in the way of repair. You want a timeline. You want metrics. You want to know when this will be fixed.
We cannot give you that. But we can give you a map. And we have walked this territory with hundreds of couples who felt exactly as hopeless as you do right now.
A scar is different from a wound. A wound bleeds. A scar is just a mark of what you survived.
Request a consultation to begin your affair recovery journey with our San Francisco practice.
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Empathi counselors serve these cities and many more across the U.S.
"With Empathi, Figs has created a fun and creative way to help people feel more connected in their relationship and to become acquainted with the transformational power of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy San Francisco."
Dr. Sue Johnson
Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
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