I’m going to start with something that might sound harsh, but it comes from a place of deep care: there’s a massive difference between gut instinct and grief-induced anxiety. And as a parent in this situation, you need to figure out which one you’re dealing with.
If your kids are coming back with stories that make your stomach drop, if there are concrete signs of neglect or harm, if your ex has active addiction issues or dangerous people rotating through that house, that’s not anxiety talking. That’s your parental radar picking up real threats. That belongs in front of a lawyer, not a therapist.
But if what you’re describing is that gnawing worry that lives in your chest every time they walk out your door? The kind that has you checking your phone obsessively and imagining worst-case scenarios? That’s something else entirely.
Here’s what I see happen: when a relationship ends, especially if it ended badly, your brain doesn’t just file away all the ways your ex disappointed or hurt you. It keeps that information active, like a security system that never turns off. So now when your kids go there, your mind floods with every reason they might not be safe.
The cruel part is that your nervous system can’t tell the difference between “they’re not brushing their teeth properly” and “they’re in actual danger.” It responds with the same alarm bells either way.
Think about it like this: you used to be the parent who could check on them at 2 AM, who knew exactly what they ate for lunch, who could scan their environment constantly. Now you’re supposed to just… trust. Trust someone who maybe broke your trust in other ways. Trust a household with different rules, different standards, different everything.
Your anxiety isn’t irrational. It’s love with nowhere to go.
But here’s the question that cuts through all the noise: what specifically are you afraid of? Not the vague “something bad will happen,” but the actual, concrete thing that has your stomach in knots.
Because when my clients get specific, one of two things happens. Either they realize they’re catastrophizing normal co-parenting stuff (different bedtimes, too much screen time, junk food for breakfast), or they uncover something real that needs addressing.
The anxiety you feel dropping them off? That might never fully go away. But learning the difference between protective instinct and trauma response? That changes everything.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
