Figs & Teale
Sign In
Request a Consult
Blog
Videos
Podcasts
Picture of Figs O'Sullivan

Figs O'Sullivan

  • April 12, 2026

Be The One You’ve Been Waiting For...

Be The One You’ve Been Waiting For

Relationship expert and couples therapist Figs O’Sullivan gives husbands and wives a resource to feel more connected in their marriage on Empathi with Figs. No matter how strong we are, when it comes to love there is a part of all of us that can feel rejected or ashamed. Figs teaches you how you can be the one you’ve been waiting for.

Actually, you will learn that it has to be you. In matters of love, each of us struggles with the hurt and shame that we experienced when we were children. We may think that we´ve gotten over it, or believe that we should be over it, or that we´ve succeeded in shutting those feelings away. But nothing could be further from the truth. The ways we learned to cope in order to survive in those early years are the very things that get in our way now, that keep us from having the relationships that we long for. I discuss why this is the case and how a change in approach can shift us towards the relationships we want.

I share my own story to help you see how this works. I also wrote about my life titled The Place I´ll Go Before I Die.

Why is it important to become the one you´ve been waiting for? For one, the vulnerable, rejected parts of yourself are never going to go away. They are an essential part of who you areo instead of trying to get rid of them, embrace and accept them.

As the philosopher Thomas Merton expresses it:

The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most.

Another reason this work is so important is that it breaks the chain of emotional pain that has been shackling your ancestors and will shackle your descendants into the future as well. Scientific research shows that we pass trauma on to the next generation. We can interrupt this intergenerational trauma transmission.

The part of you that is a hurt, sad, lonely little child is the part that needs love and care the most. It the part that you need to listen to and comfort. No more criticizing, no more shaming yourself when this part of you comes to the fore. Once you start to show up for yourself, you realize that you can be the person your loved ones deserve. You can be the partner, parent, sibling that you want to be.

In the podcast I give you the steps to take so that you can be the one you´ve been waiting for. They are simple, but not easy. They amount to a daily, lifelong practice.

And, being human, we will get it wrong, of course! In the next podcast, I bring my wife, Teale on the show and we explore how the magic of relationship happens when you can correct course. Join me and Teale for the second Empathi with Figs podcast, The Magic is in the Repair.

Take the free Empathi relationship quiz at empathi.com to learn more!

Don´t forget to join our community on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram

Want more daily reminders about love and relationship delivered free to your inbox?

Sign up for our newsletter here.

Share this article
Picture of Figs O'Sullivan

Fiachra "Figs" O’Sullivan is a renowned couples therapist and the founder of Empathi.com. He believes the principles of secure attachment and sound money are the two essential protocols for building a future filled with hope. A husband and dad, he lives in Hawaii, where he’s an outrigger canoe paddler, getting humbled daily by the wind and waves. He’s also incessantly funny, to the point that he should probably see someone about that.

Related Articles

Read More Articles
Scroll to Top
Share "Be The One You’ve Been Waiting For"
Empathi couple illustration

Before you go — curious about your relationship pattern?

Take a free 3-minute quiz and discover whether you tend to pursue or withdraw in conflict. You'll get a personalized report.

Take the Free Quiz → 13 questions • 100% free • No email required
Figs and Teale O'Sullivan

Learn the method that transforms relationships

Join the Empathi Method Masterclass — a self-paced online course built on attachment science by Figs & Teale O'Sullivan.

Explore the Masterclass → Self-paced • Science-backed • Start today
Empathi couple illustration Figs and Teale

Get relationship insights in your inbox

Join our newsletter for science-backed tips on connection, conflict, and lasting love.

Free • No spam • Unsubscribe anytime

Frequently Asked Questions

Why should I change first if my partner is the one with the problem?+
Because waiting for your partner to change first is a losing strategy that could take the rest of your life. Here is what I have learned after thousands of hours with couples: the person who moves first wins. Not wins the argument. Wins the relationship. When you show up differently, even slightly, you disrupt the pattern. And when the pattern shifts, your partner's response has to shift too. It is physics. You cannot do the same dance if one person changes the steps. Stop asking who is right and start asking who is brave enough to go first.
How do I take responsibility without being a doormat?+
Taking responsibility is not the same as taking blame. It does not mean you are wrong and they are right. It means you are honest about YOUR part in the cycle. "I shut down when you raise your voice because I feel like nothing I do is good enough" is taking responsibility. It is also incredibly powerful because it invites your partner to see what their behavior triggers without attacking them. That is not being a doormat. That is being a leader in your relationship. The strongest thing you can do is show your wound instead of your weapon.
What does it mean to be the partner you want to have?+
It means you stop outsourcing your emotional growth to your partner's behavior. If you want more kindness, be kinder. If you want more honesty, be more honest. If you want more presence, put your phone down. This is not about earning love through performance. It is about recognizing that you are part of a system, and when you change, the system changes. Every couple is caught in what I call the Waltz of Pain, a cycle where two protective strategies collide. You cannot control your partner's steps, but you can change yours. Try Figlet, our AI relationship coach, to start understanding your role in the dance.