You know what I notice when couples come to me saying they want romance back? They’re usually looking for the feeling without understanding what killed it in the first place.
Romance doesn’t die because people get boring. It dies because people get safe in the wrong way. They stop being vulnerable with each other. They start managing each other instead of meeting each other.
You perform competence because showing the real you feels unsafe.
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So let me ask you something, and I want you to sit with it honestly: When did you last let your partner actually see you? Not the competent version of you, not the organized, functional, “I’ve got this handled” version. The real you. The one who’s a little scared, a little unsure, a little longing for something.
Because here’s what romance actually is, underneath all the candles and dinner reservations. It’s two people choosing to be seen by each other when they could just as easily hide. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
So here’s where I’d start:
Get curious again. Not about logistics. Not about the kids or the calendar. About your partner as a person. What are they afraid of right now? What are they hoping for? When did they last feel genuinely proud of themselves?
Create moments of genuine contact. Not activities. Contact. Eye contact. A real conversation where neither of you is performing. A moment where someone says something true and the other person just… stays with it.
You perform competence because showing the real you feels unsafe.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about bringing back romance.
Do one thing that costs you something emotionally. Write a letter. Say the thing you’ve been not saying. Ask for what you actually need. That kind of courage is romantic in a way that no restaurant reservation ever will be.
Most couples think romance is about doing special things for each other. But it’s really about becoming interesting to each other again. And you become interesting when you’re willing to be real, to take emotional risks, to show up as yourself rather than as your role.
Romance comes back when safety deepens. And I mean real safety. The kind where both of you feel like you’re on the same team, protecting the relationship together rather than protecting yourselves from each other.
The most romantic thing you can do is create space for your partner to be fully themselves with you. And then match that vulnerability with your own.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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