Oh, the holidays. You know, I always tell couples the holidays are like a stress test for whatever’s already fragile in your system. They don’t create the problem. They just turn up the volume on everything that’s already there.
And co-parenting during the holidays? That’s like trying to perform surgery while someone’s playing death metal in the background.
Here’s what I know after sixteen years of sitting with families in exactly this spot: the kids are watching how you carry this. Not just what you say about dad’s new girlfriend or mom’s scheduling demands. How you carry it. They feel the tension in your shoulders when you’re packing their bags. They hear what’s underneath “ask your father” or “that’s something your mother decided.”
Kids are exquisitely tuned instruments. They pick up frequency, not just words.
The most important thing you can do right now is separate your grief or anger from your child’s experience of the holiday. Those are two completely real things. Both deserve space. But they need to happen in different rooms, so to speak.
Your grief about this broken family picture? That’s real. That’s valid. That belongs with a therapist, a trusted friend, a journal at 11pm. It does not belong in the backseat of the car on the way to the exchange.
Your child’s joy about the holidays? That belongs to them. Not to you. Not to your ex. To them. The most loving thing you can do is protect that joy fiercely, even when it costs you something emotionally.
Practically speaking, here’s what actually helps:
Get agreements out of your heads and onto paper. Ambiguity is where conflict lives. If the holiday schedule is written down and both of you have signed off, there’s less room for “well I thought we said…” Fewer opportunities to feel manipulated or disappointed.
Communicate about logistics, not feelings. With a high-conflict co-parent especially, keep it short, factual, about the kids. That’s not coldness. That’s creating a container that protects your children from adult drama.
Create YOUR traditions. If the kids are with you Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning, that becomes your Christmas. Light candles. Make the same meal every year. Build something that is yours and theirs together. The calendar doesn’t get to decide where meaning lives.
And please, give yourself permission to grieve separately. You might cry in the Target parking lot after buying presents they’ll open at someone else’s house. That’s okay. That’s human. That doesn’t mean you’re doing any of this wrong.
The goal isn’t to eliminate the stress. It’s to carry it in a way that doesn’t leak onto your kids. That’s love in action, even when it hurts like hell.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
