You know, I hear this one a lot. And I want to start by saying something that might surprise you: your partner’s resistance is probably not about therapy. It’s about fear. Specifically, it’s about the fear of being found bad.
Here’s what I mean. When most people hear “we need couples therapy,” what they actually hear is “you are the problem and I am taking you somewhere to prove it.” So the resistance you’re bumping into is almost never stubbornness. It’s shame in disguise.
So the first thing I’d ask you to do is shift from persuasion to invitation. Those are very different energies. Persuasion says “I need to convince you that I’m right about this.” Invitation says “I want us to understand ourselves better, and I found someone who can help us do that together.” One puts your partner on trial. The other puts the two of you on the same team.
Try something like: “It’s not about who’s right or wrong. It’s about having help seeing the patterns we both get stuck in.” That kind of framing takes the target off their back.
Now, here’s something that genuinely surprises couples when I tell them this. In my experience, the partner who resists therapy most loudly at the beginning is often the one who moves through it most quickly once they’re actually in the room. I use this image with people: think of a building. The emotional pursuer, the one who is chasing connection and asking for more, they tend to be up in the penthouse. High energy, lots of feelings, lots of urgency. The more withdrawn partner tends to be down low, retreated, trying to stay safe. My job as a therapist is to build a really well-appointed apartment right in the middle of that building where both of them can actually live together.
And here’s the irony. The pursuer, even though they’re the one begging for therapy, often has the harder time leaving their penthouse. Because up there, they’re still right. They still have the moral high ground. The withdrawn partner, once I can make it feel safe, once I can say “hey, I’m not here to tell you that you’re the broken one,” they often take that elevator up to the middle faster than anyone expects.
So if your partner is resistant, just try to get them to one session. One. Frame it as curiosity, not crisis. “Would you want to just meet once and see if it feels useful?”
And if you’re the one carrying all the weight of wanting this, I want to gently say: that’s worth noticing too. Because the fact that you want connection, you want to be seen and understood, that’s not a character flaw. That’s love. Don’t let anyone make you feel crazy for wanting it.
The work starts when both of you are in the room. So let’s figure out how to get you both there.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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