Oh, this is such a good question. And I want to say something right at the start: the fact that you’re even thinking about how to bring this up tells me you care about the relationship. That matters.
Here’s the honest truth about what’s going to happen when you bring it up, because I think if you know what to expect, you’ll actually be able to get through it.
When you go to your partner and say “I think we should try couples therapy,” their nervous system is going to hear something like: “You’ve been failing me” or “I’m thinking about leaving.” Even if those are not remotely the words you used. That’s just how it lands. Because they love you. The people who care the most about us are the most threatened when we suggest something is wrong between us. That’s not a bug, that’s actually proof of how much they love you.
So don’t expect it to go perfectly. Don’t expect them to say “oh thank God you brought this up, I’ve been thinking the same thing.” They might. But be ready for some version of defensiveness, or shutdown, or “are we really that bad?”
Here’s how I’d think about framing it. Come at it from the we, not from the you. There’s a massive difference between “I think you need to work on some things” and “I think we’re stuck in something together and I want us to get out of it.” Lead with the second one.
Something like: “I love you and I want us to be closer. I feel like we keep getting stuck in the same painful place together and I don’t know how to get us out. I’d really like some help with that.”
That’s it. Keep it simple. You’re not building a case. You’re not presenting evidence. You’re saying: I want more of us, and I need help getting there.
And here’s the reframe I give couples all the time. Couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship is broken. It’s a sign that you’re both willing to do the work to protect what you have. I’ve been doing this for twenty years and I’ll tell you plainly: the couples who show up and do this hard thing together, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when the first few sessions feel like more fighting, they build something real between them.
That’s the proof of work of love, right there. The visible evidence that you showed up for each other when it was difficult.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
