Oh, that waiting room. I know it well from the other side of the door.
Here’s what I want you to know before you even step foot in there: that anxiety you’re feeling? It’s not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s actually a sign that something matters deeply to you. You don’t get nervous about things you don’t care about.
But let me be honest with you about what’s usually happening in that waiting room, because I’ve watched a lot of couples sit in those chairs together.
You’re both scared.
Even if one of you looks calm, or is scrolling their phone, or is making small talk about parking, underneath that there’s almost always the same fear running in both of you. Something like: What if this confirms that we’re broken? What if I get blamed? What if I have to say the thing I’ve been avoiding? What if this doesn’t work?
That’s normal. That’s human. That’s not a red flag.
Here’s what I would offer you, practically, for that waiting room moment:
Don’t use it to rehearse your case. I see couples doing this. They’re mentally organizing their evidence, building their argument. That’s going to make everything harder once you’re inside.
Don’t try to “fix” your partner’s mood. If they’re anxious, resist the urge to manage their feelings. You’ve got enough on your plate managing your own.
Notice what your body is doing. Are your shoulders up by your ears? Is your jaw clenched? Take a breath. Unclench. This isn’t a performance review.
And here’s the thing about that anxiety: it’s information. It’s telling you that you care enough to be vulnerable. That you’re willing to sit in discomfort for the possibility of something better.
I’ve seen couples white-knuckle it through that waiting room, convinced they need to present a united front or have their story straight. But honestly? The messier you are, the more real you are, the better we can work together.
Take a breath and try this one thought: We’re on the same side. Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Even if last night was terrible. The goal of this work is to help you both find your way back to the same team.
The anxiety means you showed up. That already counts for something.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
