You know, this is the question underneath almost every question I get asked. Because when people come to me saying “we fight too much” or “we’ve lost our spark” or “I don’t feel heard” – what they’re really describing is a marriage that doesn’t feel safe. So let’s talk about what that actually means and what you can actually do about it.
Here’s the thing I want you to sit with first. There are really only two questions being asked in your marriage, underneath all the fights and the distance and the frustration. Your partner is asking some version of “Are you really there for me?” And you are asking some version of “Am I enough for you?” Those two questions are running constantly, mostly silently, and when neither person feels answered, safety collapses. The whole system goes into threat mode.
You brace your body before you even say a word.
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And when two nervous systems are in threat mode, you cannot feel safe. It’s physiological. Your body records relational stress before your mind even understands what’s happening. Tight chest, clenched jaw, that stomach that won’t settle. That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your body telling you the bond feels at risk.
So how do you create safety? Here’s what I actually know works.
First, you have to stop fighting the person and start fighting the system.
The problem in your marriage is not your partner. It’s the emotional cycle you two have built together, often without even realizing it. The moment you can both look at that cycle and say “that thing is the enemy, not each other” – that is the beginning of safety. What I call the Sovereign Us starts to emerge right there. That’s when you stop being two people protecting yourselves from each other and start being two people protecting something together.
Second, you need daily micro-practices. Not grand gestures. Small ones.
I’ll give you a concrete one. Every night, take turns sharing one appreciation. And here’s the crucial part – don’t just say the compliment. Say what it touches inside you. What it makes you feel about yourself. Then the person receiving it reflects on what it’s like to actually take that in. It sounds simple. It is simple. My wife Teale and I did this every single night during COVID when we were tense and disappointed in each other. It works not because it’s clever but because it’s building the muscle memory of turning toward each other instead of away.
You brace your body before you even say a word.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about why marriage feels unsafe.
Third, learn to share your vulnerability without putting a request on the end of it.
This one is hard and it flies in the face of a lot of advice you’ve probably been given. But when you describe what’s happening inside you, without immediately asking your partner to fix it or do something different, you stop triggering their alarm system. The moment your partner suspects they’re about to be told they’re not enough, they contract. They can’t hear you anymore. But when you just show them your hurt – just the honest, raw feeling underneath – their nervous system can actually stay present with you. That is emotional safety. That moment of being truly seen without a verdict being handed down.
Fourth – and this is the one people skip – you have to learn to repair.
Not avoid fights. Repair after them. Because what I call the Proof of Work of Love is not about having a perfect relationship. It’s about what you do after things go wrong. Did you show up for each other through the hard thing? Did you choose connection over being right? That repair, that showing up, that’s the visible evidence that this relationship is worth trusting. It’s what tells both nervous systems – at a level deeper than words – that we are safe here.
If any of this is landing close to home, you can talk it through right now with Figlet, Figs’ AI mini me, and get an answer about your own situation in seconds. Ask Figlet about why marriage feels unsafe..
The magic isn’t in never getting it wrong. The magic is in finding each other again after you do.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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