That’s a really honest question, and I appreciate you asking it.
Look, first thing I want to say is: good. Disagree. Please disagree. Because if you’re sitting in a therapist’s office and you’re just nodding along with everything they say, you’re probably not doing real work. You’re performing. And performing is the opposite of what we’re there to do.
You nod along in therapy while secretly disagreeing with everything.
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Here’s the thing I’ve learned after sixteen years of this work. Two different couples therapists can sit with the same couple and approach what’s happening in completely different ways. Relational Life Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, for example, both have real wisdom, and both would handle the same presenting couple differently. That doesn’t mean one of you is wrong in the room. It means this work is nuanced, and the nuance matters enormously.
So if you disagree with your therapist, I’d encourage you to say so. Out loud. In the room. Because that disagreement, that moment where you go “actually, I don’t see it that way,” that is often where the most important stuff lives. A good therapist isn’t going to crumble because you pushed back. A good therapist is going to get curious about your pushback.
Now, there’s a difference between disagreeing because something genuinely doesn’t fit your experience, and disagreeing because the therapist touched something uncomfortable and your nervous system wants out. Both are worth saying out loud, by the way. But they’re different things. One is “this framework doesn’t match what I know to be true about myself.” The other is “this is too close to the bone and I want to run.” Both deserve to be named.
The worst thing you can do is sit there, disagree internally, and say nothing. Because then you walk out of the session feeling unheard by the one person in the room whose job is to hear you. And that’s its own particular kind of pain.
And if after all that honest conversation you still feel like the approach isn’t right for you, that’s real information too. Not every therapist is the right therapist for every couple. Shopping around isn’t disloyalty. It’s self-knowledge.
But try the disagreement first. Say it out loud. See what happens. That moment of “I don’t agree with you” might be the most alive thing that’s happened in the room in weeks.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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