Look, I’ll be straight with you. The platform doesn’t matter nearly as much as people think it does. Zoom, Skype, whatever your therapist uses that’s secure. The magic happens between people, not between pixels.
What actually matters? Creating a space where both of you can drop the performance and show up real.
Find a room with a door that closes. Not the kitchen where your kids might wander in asking about snacks while you’re talking about your sex life. Not the bedroom where your partner feels like they’re being interrogated in their safe space. Neutral territory.
Get decent internet. Nothing kills vulnerability faster than “Can you hear me now?” every five minutes. And for the love of all that’s holy, put your phones in another room. This isn’t Instagram time.
Here’s what I see couples get wrong: they think video therapy is more casual, so they dress down, slouch back, maybe have coffee or wine. Listen, if you showed up to my office in pajamas with a beer, I’d wonder about your commitment to the work. Same applies here.
Sit close enough to the camera that I can see your faces clearly. I need to catch the micro-expressions, the eye rolls, the moments when someone’s words don’t match their body language. That’s where the real conversation lives.
And please, sit next to each other when possible. I know it feels safer to be in separate rooms when you’re fighting, but that’s exactly why we don’t do it. You’re learning to be in the same space while having hard conversations. That’s the skill we’re building.
Some couples worry about privacy in their own homes. “What if the neighbors hear?” Here’s the thing: if you’re worried about people overhearing you work on your relationship, you’re probably not ready to do the work yet. Couples therapy isn’t quiet. Real conversations aren’t whispered.
The technical setup is simple: good lighting so you don’t look like you’re in witness protection, camera at eye level so you’re not looking down on each other or up like supplicants. Test your audio beforehand.
But here’s what really matters: Are you both willing to let me in? Because I can have the fanciest setup in the world, but if you’re performing instead of participating, if you’re hiding instead of revealing, we’re just having an expensive video chat about your problems instead of actually addressing them.
The couples who do well in video sessions are the ones who create ritual around it. They treat it like the important appointment it is. They prepare the space, they show up fully, they don’t multitask.
Because at the end of the day, whether we’re in person or on screen, the work is the same: helping two people stop being enemies and start being allies in solving their shared problems.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
