Let me be straight with you about something right away. What you’re describing sits right at the intersection of co-parenting and something much more personal. This is not just a logistics problem. This is a wound that keeps getting reopened.
When a marriage ends, the relationship ends. But the dynamic doesn’t always end with it. Whatever pattern existed between the two of you—the pursuing and withdrawing, the controlling and the defending, the criticism and the shutdown—that pattern often migrates directly into the co-parenting space. The arena changes. The dance stays the same.
So when your ex undermines you with your kids, one of a few things is usually happening.
He may still be in a power struggle with you. Not with you as a parent, but with you as the person who represents a version of himself he couldn’t control or hold onto. Your children become the territory of that struggle. That is his work to do, not yours to absorb.
Or he genuinely believes his way is the right way, and he never developed the capacity to hold two truths at once. Yours and his. That’s a relational limitation that didn’t end at the divorce.
Here’s what I want you to sit with: Your authority as a parent does not require his endorsement. Full stop. The moment you find yourself needing him to validate your parenting is the moment he’s already won the power struggle.
What helps most? Be boring with him. Flat, factual, focused on the kids only. Don’t defend your choices to him. Defense invites debate. State and move on.
“The kids need to be home by 8 on school nights.”
“I’ve decided Emma needs to limit screen time.”
“This is how I’m handling the homework situation.”
No explanations. No justifications. Just information.
And with your kids? Be consistent, be warm, and be present. Children are extraordinarily good at knowing who is actually there for them. When Dad says “Your mom is too strict” or “She doesn’t understand you like I do,” your kids aren’t just hearing his words. They’re watching how you both show up day after day.
Over time, that truth speaks louder than any undermining. Kids want parents who can hold steady, not parents who need to be right or liked in every moment.
The hardest part? You can’t control what happens at his house. You can only control what happens at yours. Make your home the place where respect is modeled, where boundaries are clear, and where love doesn’t come with conditions attached.
Your ex’s need to undermine you says everything about him and nothing about your worth as a parent.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
