Okay. Let’s slow down and sit with that for a second, because “feeling anxious around my boyfriend” can mean a lot of different things, and I want to make sure I’m actually hearing what’s happening for you.
So let me ask you this: is the anxiety coming from inside you, or is it coming from something he’s doing?
Because those are two very different things, and they point in two very different directions.
Sometimes the anxiety is yours to work with. Maybe you’ve been hurt before. Maybe you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop because in your experience, people leave, or they get distant, or they change. And so even when things are good with him, some part of you is braced. That anxious part of you isn’t broken. It’s actually trying to protect you. It learned how to do that a long time ago, probably for good reason.
And sometimes the anxiety is information. It’s your nervous system telling you that something in this relationship doesn’t feel safe. Maybe he’s unpredictable. Maybe you can’t tell which version of him is showing up on a given day. Maybe you’ve been walking on eggshells and you’ve gotten so used to it that you’ve normalized it.
Neither of those is a character flaw. But they do require different responses.
Here’s what I’d want you to notice: can you be yourself around him? Not your best self, not your most polished self. Just yourself. Uncertain, messy, a little tired on a Wednesday.
If you find yourself constantly editing your words, monitoring your tone, or swallowing your feelings because you’re not sure how he’ll react, that’s not about your anxiety disorder. That’s about safety.
If you catch yourself thinking “I can’t tell him about this” or “He’ll be upset if I say that,” pay attention to that. A good relationship should make space for your whole emotional range, not just the easy parts.
On the other hand, if he’s consistent and kind but your stomach still knots up when he texts, that might be old wounds making themselves known. Past relationships can leave us hypervigilant, scanning for danger even when there isn’t any.
The key is figuring out which one you’re dealing with. And honestly? Sometimes it’s both.
That’s the real question worth sitting with: Is this anxiety protecting you from something real, or is it protecting you from something that’s already over?
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
