Let me ask you something before we go anywhere else. When your partner criticizes you, what happens inside your body? Because I’m guessing it’s not just an intellectual annoyance. I’m guessing there’s something that tightens, something that drops, something that makes you want to either disappear or fight back.
Here’s what I know after sixteen years of sitting with couples: Criticism is almost never actually about the thing it looks like it’s about. It’s not about how you loaded the dishwasher, or how you handled the finances, or how you spoke to their mother. That’s the surface content. And the surface content is, more often than not, a red herring.
What criticism actually is, at its core, is a protest.
Stay with me here. Every human being’s nervous system is running a constant background check on their primary attachment relationship. Your partner’s nervous system is sending out little sentinels, all day long, asking two questions: “Are you there for me?” and “Am I enough for you?” When the answer feels uncertain, or worse, when the answer feels like no, the nervous system registers that as a threat. Not a mild inconvenience. A genuine biological threat.
And when the nervous system is threatened, it protests. Some people protest by withdrawing and going cold. Some people protest by pursuing, criticizing, pushing. Your partner, from the sound of it, is a pursuer. Their criticism is their nervous system’s way of banging on the door and saying “I need to know you’re there. I need to know I matter to you.”
Now, I want to be really clear about something. I’m not excusing the behavior. Criticism is painful to receive. The way it lands in your body is real. If it’s constant, it’s exhausting, and it can make you feel like nothing you do is ever right. That matters enormously.
But here’s what I also see happening. When the criticism comes at you, your nervous system responds too. You probably feel like a failure, or like you’re constantly under attack, and so you do one of two things. You either push back and defend yourself, or you shut down and go quiet. And here’s the painful irony: both of those responses, as completely understandable as they are, tend to make your partner feel even less seen, which makes them criticize even harder.
The two of you end up doing what I call the Waltz of Pain. One, two, three. One, two, three. A rhythm of misunderstanding. A dance of protection instead of connection.
You’re not broken. Neither is your partner. You’re both hurting, and you’re both using the only tools your nervous systems know how to use when love feels unsafe.
What actually breaks this cycle isn’t getting better at defending yourself, and it isn’t your partner learning to bite their tongue. It’s both of you learning to see the system you’re caught in together. Moving from two separate bubbles of private suffering into one shared understanding where you can both say, “Look what we’re creating here. We’re both scared. We’re both in pain.”
The next time criticism comes your way, try this: Take a breath and ask yourself, “What is my partner’s heart actually trying to tell me right now?” Because underneath all that sharp language is usually someone who’s afraid they don’t matter to you. And that’s something you can work with.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
