Whether you’re in a fairly new relationship and just starting to notice some problematic patterns you’d like to nip in the bud, or you and your partner have been painfully struggling for some time, figuring out how to find a couples therapist can feel intimidating.
Knowing where to start the endeavor can be confusing and not knowing how to judge whether a therapist will be good is discouraging.
This article will offer some guidance on what to look for, what to avoid, and where to get started — plus clear some roadblocks & misconceptions.
What to look for in a couples therapist
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1. A good sense of alliance
Studies show that some of the most important factors that influence your success in therapy are…
- Alliance with your therapist
- Clear goals
- Techniques that are a good fit
- Commitment (having both feet in the process)
…with alliance being the stand out winner across many studies.Look for a therapist that gives you the feeling that they “have your back”.
Therapy is a collaborative process, so ask yourself: "Does this seem like someone I could feel comfortable collaborating with?”
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2. A research-backed specialization
Look for a couples therapist who has validated, specialized training.
Some tried and true approaches you’ll find out there are:
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
- Gottman Method
- Imago Relational Therapy (IRT)
- Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT)
- The Empathi Method
You’ll want to feel confident about the process you’re about to engage in, so do a little research to see which approach will be the best fit for you and your partner. -
3. A repeatable process
Ask yourself: Does the therapist just hand over a tuna or will they teach you to fish?
Many couples come to therapy saying, “We just need help solving this one problem.”
If it were only so easy…
We may think we’re fighting about:
- a discrepancy in libido
- your partner’s too-close relationship with their ex
- their invasive mother
- an affair you're still at an impasse about
- a myriad of other highly triggering topics
But what we’re really arguing about is how the way we navigate said topic makes you feel…- like you're too much
- like you're not enough
- unloved
- unseen
- unimportant
- like your partner isn't there for you
…And ultimately painfully disconnected from the one person that matters to you the most: your partner.Look for a therapist that helps you explore the crucial deeper meaning under your conflict so you can get to the heart of what you’re really fighting about.
What to avoid in a couples therapist
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1. Lack of specialized Couples Therapy training
Just because someone is a great individual therapist does not mean their skills will translate to being a great couples therapist.
Couples work can be quite complex, and there are more relational dynamics for the therapist to be tracking and attending to. This takes a special skill set and training to do well.
Avoid therapists who are overly generalized or don’t have couples therapy training.
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2. Disrespect of your time
Life is too short and your relationship, time, and money are too important to invest with a therapist who…
- constantly cancels
- is chronically significantly late
- doesn’t get back to you
- doesn’t follow through on things they say they’ll do
If your therapist’s bad habits leave you feeling like you’re not a priority, it’s not a good fit and the alliance can be detrimentally impacted.Even if you’ve already been working with them for a little while, you’re better off finding another therapist and ending things.
How to Find a Couples Therapist: Where to Start?
Step 1: Do the right research
So, wondering how to begin looking for your future therapist?
Whether you’re in San Francisco or not, try taking a look at Empathi’s list of couples therapists:
Figs O'Sullivan
Figs is the creator of the Empathi method and the certification process for Empathi coaches. He's also Chief Empathi Officer, husband, dad, wounded-healer and was featured on NPR's All Things Considered as a champion for healthy relationships.Figs' life's mission is to help couples feel more connected.
Iliana Paola Domínguez
Iliana works heart-to-heart with individuals and couples, in English or in Spanish, to help them deeply connect to themselves and others.Using EFT, Iliana leads individuals in navigating their inner world and helps partners understand and see each other so that they can rebuild the trust, safety, and love they both long for.
Sherwood Wang
Sherwood works with compassionate awareness and non-judgmental curiosity to support the exploration of each couple’s unique challenges, with a deep understanding of how these negative cycles undermine what makes relationship beautiful.Using attachment theory and EFT, he transforms harder moments into opportunities for couples to love one another more fully, with greater understanding, connection, and safety.
Karen Gordon
Karen is skilled at helping couples understand the painful cycle of conflict they’re stuck in and guiding them back to safety, connection, and love. She is known by her clients for offering direct and honest feedback with love, warmth, and humor. Karen specializes in working with couples and individuals dealing with relationship issues.She is trained in Gottman Couples Therapy and has intensive training in EFT for Couples.
Ford Peck
A gentle man who walks the talk, a loyal long-time partner in a committed relationship. Ford is a certified teacher and senior trainer in iRest, helping train other therapists in this somatic healing practice. He is also certified in yoga therapy and SHEN therapy for emotional healing.Ford’s passion is helping clients find fulfilling connection with themselves and in their relationships.
Teale Taxis
Teale is a wife, mother, artist and passionate advocate for love relationships. She has a special focus on cultural sensitivity, parenting, and how to prevent and repair affairs and other relationship injuries.Teale loves working with people to facilitate their greater sense of self-acceptance and capacity to experience joy and connection.
Unlike for services like Betterhelp, quality control is already baked into the Empathi system.
These therapists were hand-picked and trained by leading experts in the field to use The Empathi Method — an approach fully rooted in validated relationship science like EFT and Attachment Therapy.
We each have different perspectives, stories, and therapeutic backgrounds that can and should inform your choice!
But here, you can start with a foundation of trust in the process.
Here are some other ways you can find a couples therapist:
- Do an online search using keywords like “Emotionally Focused Therapists”, “Gottman Therapists”, or “Couples Therapists”.
- Check out couples therapy training organizations — most of them have directories you can explore featuring the folks who were trained by them.
- Explore other directories like Psychology Today.
- Ask friends or others in your various networks.
- Consider asking other medical providers for referrals.
- If you reach out to someone who has a full practice, inquire whether they can recommend someone.
Step 2: Set up some consultations
You can get a decent feel for a potential therapist in a short while by having a conversation with them.
Schedule consultations with several different folks as part of your due diligence and take notice of how you feel.
Do they exude a reassuring sense of professionalism? Seem confident and capable?
Useful questions to ask a couples therapist during your consult:
- How long can I expect treatment to last
- What’s your general training and background?
- What’s your training background for couple’s therapy
- What percentage of your practice is with couples vs. individuals?
- How do you feel about the issues that we’re struggling with? Do you have experience with them?
How to Find a Couples Therapist: Frequently Asked Questions
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"Does the age of my therapist matter?"
Not necessarily.
I’ve heard concerns like, “My partner and I are younger. Will an older therapist be able to get us?” And conversely, “My partner and I are older. Can a younger therapist relate to what we’ve been through?”
Most good couple’s therapy approaches have a specific way of working, and efficacy is more about whether the therapist excels at that particular skill set.
While age compatibility may feel compelling, it’s more important that your clinician be well trained in the approach(es) they offer.
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"Should I do telehealth therapy or in-person sessions?"
Where telehealth therapy offerings were once somewhat uncommon, post-pandemic they’re the ubiquitous norm.
This trend in access to care brings pros and cons, and it’s important to consider both while looking for a therapist who’s a good fit.
Couples dealing with serious mental health struggles that need a higher level of care may prefer or really need in-person.
Some folks desire the kind of connection that can only be had by meeting face-to-face.
For others, the convenience, time saved, and ability to select from a wider pool of professionals that telehealth provides more than makes up for any perceived downsides.
For those reasons and because we've achieved results consistent across session types, Empathi exclusively provides virtual couples therapy.
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"Am I going to be made into the 'bad guy'?"
A couple’s therapist should be there to help you and your partner figure out what’s going wrong in your attempts to communicate, to not pick sides or figure out who’s to blame.
That said, it’s important to look for a therapist who will help you understand the inadvertent contribution each of you are making (even if unequally) to your difficult dynamic.
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"Is this going to be painful?"
Not unlike going to the gym, therapy of any kind can make you feel pain before you feel stronger. When things that have been unaddressed finally get a chance to surface, they are often accompanied by difficult feelings.
But it’s not always painful!
Therapy is also joyous, funny, and most importantly — healing.
There can be a great deal of relief in finally getting to let out some of the pressure between you.
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"If we have to get therapy, isn't it too late anyways?"
Often this sentiment is actually saying, “I’m really scared that facing our problems will break us and I don’t want to lose you”.
Consider that it alludes to how important you are to each other and how devastating the loss would be as opposed to any real truth about therapy.
The level of vulnerability underneath these kinds of thoughts itself can feel intimidating.
Don’t let it block you from trying.
How to Find a Couples Therapist: Start now.
As daunting as it seemed, learning how to find a couples therapist that is right for you was an important first step towards healing and strengthening your relationship.
But now it’s time to book some calls!
If you remember to prioritize alliance, specialization and skillset, pay attention to warning signs, and think practically about the factors that matter to you most, you’re now ready to take a really meaningful step towards a stronger relationship.
