This is actually one of the most important questions you can ask, because the wrong therapist in the room with you and your partner can do real damage. I mean it.
Here’s what I know from my own experience, both as someone who sought help and as someone who trains therapists.
First thing I always say: be very careful about therapists who have it all worked out. If someone is sitting across from you like they’re the expert on top of the hill, totally unwounded, totally sorted, I would be cautious. The best therapists I know are what I call wounded healers. They’ve been in the fire themselves. They know what it feels like to be lost in love and relationship.
That lived experience is actually a qualification, not a liability. As long as they’ve done the work to integrate it, not leak it all over you.
Which brings me to the second thing. You don’t want someone who’s still rolling around in their own pain and can’t get out of their own way. The goal is someone who’s been through something real, done the work on it, and can now hold your pain without making you responsible for theirs. I’ve heard stories of therapists falling asleep in couples sessions. Falling asleep. So yes, discernment matters.
Now here’s the practical piece. I’m obviously biased, but the research backs me up on this: look for someone trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, EFT. It’s the most researched, evidence-based model we have for helping couples. The statistics are real. Around 86% of couples show significant improvement, and 75% still hold those gains two years later. Those aren’t numbers I made up. That’s peer-reviewed research.
Beyond the model, look for someone who can help both of you feel like you’re not the bad guy. A good couples therapist isn’t there to take sides. They’re there to help you both see the tragic system you’ve co-created together, with compassion, maybe even a little humor. If you walk out of the first session feeling like you were put on trial, that’s not your therapist.
And here’s one last thing. You don’t have to pitch a whole grand plan to your partner. You don’t have to say “we’re going to do months of deep emotional work.” Just ask them to come to one session. One. That’s it. Lower the bar. Get in the room.
The rest can follow from there. Because sometimes the biggest step isn’t finding the perfect therapist. It’s finding the courage to admit you need help in the first place.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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