All couples want to know the solution to their problems. If a couple is doing a prenup, they want to get to the place where the details of the prenup are finalized. If a couple is talking about which country they’re gonna live in, they really want to get to the answer: is it America or Spain?
So what I help people do — and this seems really weird and paradoxical — is have this other conversation first.
You, your partner, and I are not gonna try and find a solution.
Instead, you’re going to deeply share about your feelings, your fears, the needs you’re worried you’re not going to have met, what your thoughts are, what are the worst things that could happen to you both…
In fact, we’re going to man the doors and the windows and keep everything else out as long as possible so we can primarily focus on you sharing what your experience is in relationship to your prenup.
"
Remember, rarely does a solution make things better. What makes things better is connection.
"
The Connection Conversation
A prenup is just a horrible thing to do right before you get married.
Just think about what a prenuptial agreement is: you literally legally make plans for all the worst case scenarios — should it be divorce, cheating, joint custody of the kids.
So one of you might go, “I want a prenup. I want a prenup. How do I get a prenup?”
All the while, you’re not even accessing inside yourself…
‘Throughout my life I’ve had my heart broken by friends who eventually reach out to me for help to invest in a business or to help one of their family members. It makes it very hard for me to trust that it’s actually me someone’s in relationship with and not my money.
So even if I’m not consciously scared in that way right now, I’m worried that the prenup process is going to bring up that deep pain and trauma and fear inside of me.’
‘I want to be your top priority and the most important thing to you, but what scares me is that having a prenup means that I’m not your priority, I’m not special to you, you love me conditionally.
And it’s just really painful to not feel I’m the most important person in the whole world to you. It feels like your money, your family‘s money, and your business is more important than me.
And even if I don’t feel that now, I’m really worried that the prenup process is going to bring up those fears and that pain for me.’
The Relationship Time Machine
Let me demonstrate with a quick story — not about prenups, legacy, or which country to live in, but a story about… chores.
Teale and I used to fight every night about who does the dishes. Every. Night.
I come home from work and Teale’s there with Grace in her arms. I’m like, “I’m so tired. Would you do the dishes tonight?”
And she looks at me like, “Are you kidding me? I’ve been with Grace all day, and you think I’m the one to do the dishes? Do you not value me at all? You chauvinist pig.”
I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I did seven sessions in a row. What do you think I want to do right now?” And then I go, “Fine, I’ll do the dishes.”
Teale: “Never mind, I’ll do them.”
Because we were having this fight every night, I got so pissed off that I spent two weeks on Reddit and ChatGPT and worked out how to build a time machine.
So I tell Teale in the middle of the next fight, “Wait one minute!”
I run into our guest bedroom, jump in the time machine, and set it for 20 minutes into the future. I jump out of the time machine and I hear music playing…
I look into the kitchen, and there the two of us are, listening to sexy Barry White music. I’m washing the pots and pans. I’ve made extra bubbles and I’m flingin’ the bubbles at Teale. Teale is rubbing the countertops and she has her little dish cloth in hand and she’s flickin’ bubbles back at me. We‘re laughin’ and we’re drinkin’ French wine. We are having the time of our life.
Aha! So I quickly get back in the time machine, go back 20 minutes, get back out of the time machine, and run over to Teale, who’s still hurt.
I tell her, “Hey, I know exactly what we’ll do: I’m gonna do the pots and pans! We’re going to make extra bubbles, I’m gonna fling those bubbles at you. You’re going to do the countertop, and you’re going to fling the bubbles back at me. We’re gonna listen to Barry White, drink wine, and have the time of our life.”
She looks at me, and you know what she says..?
“Fuck you.”
And she storms off to the other end of our San Francisco railroad car apartment.
I’m like, “What the fuck?”
The solution didn’t work. So I go into the guest bedroom, beat the shit out of the time machine (because I’m Irish, I’ve got a temper problem), and I go to bed that night pissed, both Teale and I not talking to each other, sleeping in the same bed.
(Luckily Grace is in the middle because we’re co-sleepers like that.)
But then it hits me. About four in the morning, I wake up, I jump upright, and I realize why the time machine didn’t work…
We skipped the connection!
We did what everyone wants to do: We tried to jump to the solution.
Jumping to the solution doesn’t work.
Here’s the thing, the 20 minutes was when I went, “Hey, listen, I can feel really overwhelmed and I feel like I’m all alone with stuff. That’s why I wanted you to do the dishes tonight.”
And she’s like, “Look, I can feel like I’m not valued and like you don’t think I’m working when I’m here at home.”
Through that process of realizing we were stuck in a cycle where we were both hurt and we were both hurting each other, I had empathy for her, she had empathy for me, and we had empathy for each other.
I had compassion for her, she had compassion for me, we had compassion for each other.
Here’s the crazy thing: What wasn’t available before is now available.
I wash the dishes works.
She washes the dishes works.
We wash the dishes and do weird shit with bubbles works.
Nobody washes the dishes tonight works.
Its fucking magic!
If you have the connection conversation there are just so many possibilities now that work.
