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Figs O'Sullivan

  • April 17, 2026

Why Would Anyone Want to Be a Couples Therapist?...

Why Would Anyone Want to Be a Couples Therapist?

All people have places inside where they don’t feel lovable, and when those places get touched, we don’t look particularly lovable to other people, because we’re protesting being disconnected. How can we show up in that vulnerability even though we feel threatened?

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Fiachra "Figs" O’Sullivan is a renowned couples therapist and the founder of Empathi.com. He believes the principles of secure attachment and sound money are the two essential protocols for building a future filled with hope. A husband and dad, he lives in Hawaii, where he’s an outrigger canoe paddler, getting humbled daily by the wind and waves. He’s also incessantly funny, to the point that he should probably see someone about that.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What makes couples therapy different from individual therapy?+
Individual therapy is like working on your car engine while it's turned off. Couples therapy is working on it while it's running at full throttle. In couples work, you're watching the Waltz of Pain happen live, two childhood strategies colliding right in front of you. You can't hide behind insight or fancy theories because the reactivity is immediate and raw. When someone's attachment system gets triggered, they don't look particularly lovable, and that's exactly when the real work begins. It's messy, vulnerable, and requires the therapist to stay regulated while everyone else is losing their minds.
Do couples therapists need special training to work with relationship issues?+
Absolutely. You can't just take your individual therapy skills and apply them to couples. That's like trying to conduct an orchestra when you only know how to play solo piano. Couples therapy requires understanding systemic patterns, the Infinity Loop of mutual reactivity, and how to interrupt the Versus Illusion where partners see each other as the enemy. Most importantly, it demands what I call the Wounded Healer approach, where you use your own lived experience and marital repairs to normalize struggle without shaming couples. You need specialized training in attachment science and how to facilitate emotional repair.
How do couples therapists handle their own relationship triggers while working?+
This is the secret sauce of effective couples work. When I see a couple stuck in their Waltz of Pain, it often mirrors patterns from my own marriage. Instead of pretending I'm above it all, I use that recognition to stay humble and present. The Body as the First Ledger means my nervous system remembers every moment I've felt abandoned or inadequate, just like my clients. The key is doing your own repair work consistently so you can be a non-anxious presence when couples are dysregulated. If you're curious about getting support for your own relationship patterns, check out Figlet, our AI relationship coach for 24/7 guidance between sessions.