Oh, I hear you. And I want you to know that what’s happening between you two makes complete sense to me. It’s one of the most painful dynamics I see in my office, and it’s also one of the most common.
Here’s what I want you to understand about your husband. When you cry, when your pain becomes visible, he doesn’t shut down because he doesn’t care. I’d actually bet everything that it’s the opposite.
What’s most likely happening is that the moment your tears arrive, something in him goes on high alert. His whole system starts asking, “Am I enough? Am I a disappointment?” And when the answer feels like it might be yes, when he can feel your pain and some part of him registers that as “I caused this, I failed her,” shutting down is what he learned to do to survive that feeling.
It’s like watching someone put up blast shields. The more important you are to him, the faster those shields go up when he thinks he’s disappointing you.
It’s not about you being too much. It’s about him not yet having the tools to stay present when he feels like he’s failing you.
Now here’s the part that’s hard to hear, and I say it with nothing but warmth. The way you cry in those moments matters too. Not whether you cry – that’s your right, your tears are real and they deserve to be witnessed. But if underneath the tears there’s also a signal, even an unintentional one, that says “you did this to me, you’re not showing up,” his system is going to pick that up and contract even faster.
Think of it like this: if someone’s already drowning in shame, throwing them more shame isn’t going to help them swim to shore.
What I’d invite you to try is this. When you’re hurting, describe only yourself. “I’m scared I don’t matter to you.” “I’m sad and I feel alone right now.” No request at the end of it. Just leave your vulnerability sitting there in the room. Give him a chance to come toward it rather than feel accused by it.
And here’s what he needs to understand: your tears aren’t a report card on his performance as a husband. They’re information about your inner world. The fastest way to actually fail you is to disappear when you’re in pain.
You both have to learn that your pain and his adequacy can exist in the same room without it being a crisis. That’s where connection actually lives. That’s the doorway to finding each other again.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Stonewalling in Relationships: What Your Partner’s Silence Actually Means
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