Introduction to Conflict Resolution
Let’s be real: if you’re in a relationship, conflict is going to happen. Even the happiest couples fight—sometimes about the most unimportant things, like who left the lights on or why the dishwasher is loaded “wrong.” But here’s the truth: it’s not the argument itself that matters, it’s how you deal with it that makes or breaks a good relationship.
When a fight starts, strong emotions can take over. Maybe one person starts yelling, or someone gives the cold shoulder, or things get passive aggressive real fast. Sound familiar? Most people have been there. In that moment, it’s easy to feel hurt or even attacked, and suddenly, you’re both arguing about something that doesn’t even matter anymore. The real issue—maybe unmet needs, stress from work, or something from the past—gets buried under all the noise.
Here’s the thing: an argumentative person isn’t always trying to pick a fight. Sometimes, they’re just trying to be heard, or they’re struggling with their own sense of control or emotional pain. If you notice these patterns popping up all the time, it might be a good idea to seek professional help. Couples therapy isn’t just for marriages in trouble—it’s a good sign when two people are willing to spend time working on their communication issues in a healthy way.
Experts like Dr. Nicola Davies, Abby Medcalf, Paulette Sherman, and Tracy Ross all agree: the healthiest relationships are built on empathy, understanding, and the willingness to talk things through—even when it’s tough. If you find yourself stuck in the same argument over and over, or if you’re afraid to bring up certain topics with your partner, that’s a sign it’s time to try something different. Maybe that means putting down the blame and really listening to each other, or maybe it means reaching out for professional help to get to the root of the problem.
Remember, conflict doesn’t have to mean disaster. In fact, couples who learn to argue in a healthy way often end up with a stronger, more loving connection. The goal isn’t to avoid fighting altogether (that’s impossible for a few people living real life together!), but to handle those moments in a calm manner, without emotional abuse or shutting down. That might mean taking a break when things get heated, explaining how you feel instead of blaming, or just holding hands and reminding each other that you’re on the same team.
So next time you feel upset, or you notice your partner’s behavior is pushing your buttons, pause for a second. Ask yourself: what’s the real issue here? What do I need, and what might my partner need? Talking about it openly, even if it’s tough, is the first step toward a good relationship. And if you need help, don’t be afraid to seek professional support—sometimes, a little outside perspective is exactly what two people need to break the cycle and start building something better.
In the end, all the couples who make it work know one thing: it’s not about who started the fight, but how you both choose to end it—together.
Relationship Tip #7: Handle disagreements in a healthy way
Ready for another relationship truth you need to learn?
Relationship Tip #7. It doesn't matter who started it, even if your partner is an argumentative person!
There are no winners once the “You Started It!” battle begins.
As a matter of fact, the tattered remnants of all the couples who do not succeed can be found on the battlefield of “You Started It.”
The truth is, who started it isn’t important.
I KNOW it’s practically impossible to believe. In fact there are moments for me when it really does feel impossible to surrender to the truth that it doesn’t matter that my wife Teale started it! ????????
Yes! Even though I have all this relationship wisdom stuff floating around in my Shrek-sized head, I still get stuck in the seductive “You Started It” trance. And ya know what I do when that happens? I fling sh*t at my wife like a monkey in the zoo, and then I’m shocked *SHOCKED* when I end up with sh*t thrown back in my face.
Well, what did I expect? I just cued Act 1 of The Figs & Teale Sh*t Show!
Content warning … this is about to get messy.
Maybe this looks familiar:
You feel like sh*t inside and believe it’s your partner’s fault, so you react by being super sh*tty to your partner (yeah, I know you may not even believe you’re being sh*tty to your partner, but you are!!) This in turn makes your partner feel like sh*t inside and now they see you as the cause of how sh*tty they feel so they react by being damned sh*tty back to you… and then you feel even MORE like sh*t inside and on and on the Sh*t Show goes…. WHAT A STINKING MESS!!!
You wanna avoid the Sh*t Show?? Next time you find yourself in a fight or argument (or WHATEVER you call a moment of conflict in your relationship), try to see it as an US PROBLEM, as in, “Oh! Right! This is what WE DO when we’re feeling disconnected from each other. I wonder what’s really going on?” (Read: “During a Fight, What’s Really Happening?”)
It’s not a question of who started it. It’s a question of how do we stop it and reconnect as quickly as possible.
Try to transition from being in the fight to floating above the fight to get a bird’s-eye view.
Watch the scene play out below you instead of acting it out as the hero or victim.
Can you see that regardless of who struck the first blow, you’re both now going round and round in your Sh*t Show together?
If you want to have a successful relationship, drop the whodunit mystery ASAP. It really doesn’t matter who started it!
No one wants to be in the sh*t. It feels bad, smells bad, and takes real time and hard work to get the stink off!
Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz— knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!
Be kind to yourself and each other,
Figs
