Oh, that eye roll. I know exactly what you’re talking about. And I want you to hear something that might surprise you.
That eye roll is not indifference.
I know it feels like indifference. I know it feels like contempt, like dismissal, like “your pain doesn’t matter to me.” But here’s what I’ve seen in sixteen years of sitting with couples: every eye roll has a heartbeat under it.
What’s actually happening in that moment is this. You’re sharing something vulnerable, something real, something that took courage to say out loud. And your partner’s nervous system gets flooded. Not with boredom. Not with contempt. With something much closer to despair. Something that sounds like “I can’t bear knowing I hurt you” or “please stop looking at me like I’m the bad one again.”
The eye roll is pain wearing a mask of protection.
Now, I want to be honest with you. Knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less in the moment. When you reach out and you get that look, it hurts MORE. It confirms every fear you already had about not being heard, not being cared for, not mattering. And so you either get louder or you shut down, and your partner either rolls their eyes again or walks away, and round and round you go.
Here’s what I want you to sit with right now.
When you share something vulnerable and your partner rolls their eyes, there are two hurt people in that room. Not just you. Both of you. You’re hurting because you don’t feel received. They’re hurting because somewhere inside them, they believe they’ve already failed you and they can’t face it again.
That doesn’t mean the eye roll is okay. It’s not okay. It’s painful and it’s blocking the very connection you’re both desperate for. But the path forward isn’t to fight about the eye roll. It’s to get curious about what’s underneath it. For both of you.
Think of it like this: when someone throws up a wall, they’re protecting something tender behind it. The eye roll is your partner’s wall. And walls get built when people feel attacked, even when no attack was intended.
The question I’d want to sit with you on is this: what are you most trying to say in those moments when you reach out? What’s the thing underneath the words you’re actually longing for your partner to hear?
Because that’s where the real work lives. Not in the reaction. In the hurt that came just before it.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
