When clients sit in my office six to twenty-four months after a divorce decree, the initial relief has often faded, and a profound regret has surfaced. Please note that while the specific timeline of six to twenty-four months and the exact three-part definition of regret are not explicitly found in the sources, they serve as a structural framework here to synthesize the author’s actual clinical observations. In session, I observe that this regret is rarely about wanting the marriage back exactly as it was. It is usually about three things. It is about the loss of the witness, the loss of the shared story, and the dawning realization that the loop you blamed your ex for is now playing in your new relationships or your solitude.
In the sources, the author emphasizes that you can never underestimate the power of having a witness who can hold space for your genuine experience [1]. The witness is the presence that softens defenses, settles the nervous system, and makes creative action possible again [2]. When a marriage ends, you lose that primary attachment figure who was tasked with witnessing your life from the cradle to the grave [3]. Without that regulating witness, people often feel an unbearable aloneness, disconnected from the very person who held the other side of their emotional reality.
The second element of regret involves the loss of the shared story. The author’s work in emotionally focused couples therapy is built on moving partners from two separate, subjective narratives into one shared narrative [4, 5]. A secure marriage functions as a shared suffering bubble where both partners make perfect sense to each other [6, 7]. When the relationship dissolves, that shared story shatters. You are left with only your individual, first person perspective, which the author notes is not entirely trustworthy because you can no longer see the whole truth of the system you were embedded inside [8].
The third and most painful realization is that the negative cycle did not end with the marriage. The author calls this cycle the Waltz of Pain, where two childhood protector strategies collide and create a reenactment of wounds neither partner originally caused [9]. Divorced individuals often leave a marriage completely convinced that their partner was the sole problem, walking away with their negative story reinforced and ready to carry that exact same strategy into their next connection [10].
As explored on the Come Here To Me podcast, every period of being single is actually just being in between relationships [11]. In your solitude or your new dating life, you soon discover that your protector parts are still operating. Whether you are an emotional pursuer terrified of abandonment or a reluctant withdrawer terrified of rejection, you brought your half of the infinity loop with you [12, 13]. The ultimate goal of doing this systemic work is to decode your core infinity loop pattern before it reemerges [14]. Recognizing this loop allows you to ensure that in the future, the hard parts become the start of deeper intimacy rather than the end [15].
What Most Divorced People Are Not Told
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The culture and the legal system operate on a very rigid premise when it comes to separation. They tell you that once the paperwork is signed and the divorce is final, the door is permanently closed. I want to be perfectly clear right up front. I am not saying every divorce should be undone. There are absolutely times when a relationship must end, especially when there is violence, abuse, or when the environment is fundamentally unsafe. But I am saying that the door is not always as tightly locked as the legal system or traditional therapy makes it feel.
The traditional system often gives up on couples simply because it does not understand what attachment based work can actually achieve. I see this reality in my practice regularly. I worked with a couple who had already gone through with their divorce [1, 2]. Their previous couples counselor had actually called one of the spouses while they were driving home from a session to tell them there was no hope and that they should divorce [1, 2]. It is hard to fathom another therapist doing such a thing, but by the time they reached out to me, the marriage was legally over [1, 2].
They were living in entirely separate states, so we had to begin our work over video conference [2]. They were absolutely convinced that neither of them could make the relationship work [3]. If we had focused on their logistics or tried to shame one person into taking all the accountability, they never would have survived the first month. Instead, I gave them a framework to understand the emotional system they had been trapped inside [2].
I helped them see that both of them were hurting deeply and both of them had done things to get the relationship to this tragic place [2]. We stopped trying to figure out who was the bad guy and started looking at the negative cycle they were caught in. Once they saw the system, their nervous systems began to settle. They eventually reached a point where they could visit each other and we could do some sessions in person [2].
In those in person sessions, they were finally able to truly feel the grief and the profound pain of everything that had happened between them [4]. They cried together [4]. They moved from being two separate suffering individuals into a shared space of mourning, and they began to comfort each other [4].
Within a few months of doing this work, the entire landscape of their relationship shifted. They moved back in together into their primary home [3, 4]. They eventually remarried [3]. Obviously, there is still grief for the time they lost, but they are incredibly thankful every single day that they managed to find their way back to each other [4].
This reconciliation did not happen because of magic. It happened because they were finally given the right tools to decode their pain. Most people do not understand themselves, they do not understand the system they co-create with their partner, and they do not truly understand how emotional bonding works [5]. When you view a relationship through an attachment lens, you realize that severe conflict is often just a desperate protest against losing connection. When couples learn how to stop fighting each other and start fighting the negative cycle, they can bridge gaps that previously looked impossible to cross.
What to Do With the Regret, Whatever Comes Next
In this living body of work, the author outlines a specific protocol for navigating post-divorce regret, regardless of whether reconciliation is a possibility. The first step involves utilizing what the author calls the Time Machine. The author insists that individuals cannot solve a disconnected nervous system by jumping ahead to a logistical or intellectual solution [1, 2]. Instead, they must time travel back to the agonizing moment of the original rupture [3]. The goal here is not to relitigate the past, assign blame, or determine who was right. Rather, it is to understand exactly what each person’s biology was doing in that specific moment. The author explains that the human nervous system is hardwired to detect threats to the attachment bond [4]. By revisiting the rupture with honesty, a person can observe how their own nervous system moved into survival mode to protect a vulnerable wound, and recognize that their former partner’s nervous system was doing the exact same thing [4-6]. You cannot change the immutable blocks of the past, but going back into the Time Machine allows you to create the missing emotional experience in the present [7, 8].
The second step is engaging in the Empathy for Me work. Across the archive, the author observes that individuals often trap themselves in a cycle of self-punishment while lingering between regret and closure. The author specifically notes that shaming yourself, beating yourself up, and judging your own reactions only deepens the suffering and keeps your nervous system in a state of threat [9, 10]. The author frequently tells clients that the hardest homework they will ever receive is simply to be kind to themselves [10]. When people experience regret over a past relationship, the author guides them to accept their own pain and validate their biological responses rather than attacking themselves [11]. Instead of judging the regret, the individual must offer themselves the empathy and compassion necessary to calm their own limbic system, allowing the wounded parts of themselves to be held without criticism [11, 12].
The third step requires doing the Empathy for Us work. The author acknowledges that this may sound strange when a relationship is officially dissolved, but the emotional system still lives in the body and the narrative. In these sources, the author describes how partners often exist in two separate suffering bubbles, where each person subjectively believes they are the victim of the other [13, 14]. The work involves taking those two separate suffering bubbles and joining them together into one shared suffering bubble [15, 16]. Even after a divorce, the individual must look back from a drone’s eye view and recognize the tragic system they co-created [17, 18]. They must see that both partners were hurting deeply and both were reacting in ways that inadvertently injured the other [19, 20].
Finally, the author teaches that true healing requires recognizing that this shared suffering only occurred because the connection was so fundamentally important to both people [15, 21]. By cultivating empathy for the dissolved system, the individual engages in a form of witnessed repair within their own nervous system [3, 22]. They stop treating their ex as the enemy and instead recognize the negative cycle as the common enemy [23]. The author maintains that understanding this systemic waltz of pain allows the person to finally settle the transaction in their body, proving that even when a relationship legally ends, the individual can still find a path back to compassionate connection and internal sovereignty [24-26].
Sorting out what the regret is really telling you
Figlet is the AI relationship coach I built and trained on the kind of post-divorce work most therapists are not equipped to hold. It will not push you back toward your ex. It will help you sort out what the regret is, what it means, and what to do with it.
The Practical Decision Tree
In the archive, the author provides a practical decision tree for clients navigating post-divorce regret. If the former partner has remarried or is in a committed new partnership, the author emphasizes that the work must be internal and shaped entirely by grief. The author explains that healing can still occur imaginally, allowing the nervous system to process the loss even if the relationship is permanently over [1]. This week, the author instructs the individual to practice Empathy for Me by dropping into the vulnerable feeling of loss without the protective armor of anger or self attack. This month, the work involves mourning the shared story and accepting that the missing emotional experience will not come from the former partner. The author teaches that you can create an imaginal situation to re-enter the pain and provide the missing experience for yourself [1]. This quarter, the individual must integrate this grief, treating the younger, hurting part of themselves as an honored guest and establishing internal sovereignty.
If the former partner is single and the relationship had real bones, the author warns against any grand romantic gestures. The conversation worth having is small, slow, and rooted entirely in the proof of work of repair. This week, the author suggests starting with one honest letter or an invitation to one honest coffee. The archive references an EFT letter writing exercise where the individual explicitly writes out their regret, their responsibility, and the remedy they see [2], [3]. This letter is offered without any demand for immediate reconciliation. This month, the goal is simply to reach a neutral empathic moment where both people can observe the negative cycle they co-created. The author provides the script for this interaction: I see how much we both hurt, and I see how my reactions hurt you [4]. They must achieve Empathy Cubed, feeling compassion for themselves, their partner, and the system they shared [5]. This quarter, if the door remains open, the focus must stay entirely on witnessed repair. The author insists that individuals cannot jump into the Time Machine to skip the emotional reconnection [6]. They must prove through consistent behavioral evidence that they can safely return to a compassionate baseline after a rupture.
If children are in the picture, the archive is clear that the relational work happens through the Third Chair, regardless of what happens romantically between the adults. The Third Chair is the living entity where the child’s regulation lives. This week, the author directs parents to adopt the drone’s eye view and stop fighting each other over logistics [7]. Parents must recognize that their negative cycle is an active threat to the child’s secure base. This month, the parents must consciously engage in witnessed repair. The author notes that one of the most important things for children to witness is the repair process happening in real time [8]. Children need to see two people experience a moment of reactivity, realize they are both hurting, and find their way back to repairing emotionally [9]. This quarter, the parents must sustain this co-regulation. They must stop treating their former partner as the enemy and instead treat the negative cycle as the common enemy. By honoring the safety of the Third Chair, the parents ensure that the child’s nervous system remains anchored in truth and stability.
Sorting out what the regret is really telling you
Figlet is the AI relationship coach I built and trained on the kind of post-divorce work most therapists are not equipped to hold. It will not push you back toward your ex. It will help you sort out what the regret is, what it means, and what to do with it.
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