Oh, I hear you. And I want you to know that fear makes complete sense to me. It really does.
Here’s what I know is probably happening inside you when you think about bringing something up. You’re not just scared of the conversation. You’re scared of what the conversation might confirm. That you’re too much. That you’ll push them away. That you’ll say it wrong and they’ll get defensive and now you’re the problem. Am I close?
And so what do most people do? They either swallow it, or they wait until they’ve swallowed it so many times that it comes out sideways, loud, messy, with all the wrong energy. And then the very thing they were afraid of happens.
So let me offer you something that might sound strange at first.
The reason most difficult conversations go badly is not because you brought up a problem. It’s because of the form in which you brought it up. Most of us, when we’re hurting, lead with what the other person did. We describe them. We ask them to change. And what that does, even with the best intentions, is it triggers their deepest fear, which is “I’m a disappointment. I’m not enough. I’m failing this person.” And the moment that fear gets activated, they’re not available to you anymore. They’re in survival mode. And now you’re both in survival mode together and nothing gets resolved.
Here’s what I want you to try instead.
Go underneath the problem to the vulnerable experience you’re actually having. Not what they did. Not what you need them to do differently. But what is the soft, scared, sad thing that is alive in you right now? Because underneath every complaint, underneath every frustration, there is almost always something that sounds like “I miss you” or “I’m scared I don’t matter to you” or “I’m starting to feel really alone here.”
That’s the thing to bring into the room.
And here’s the other piece. When you share that vulnerable experience, do your best not to put a request at the end of it. I know that sounds counterintuitive. I know your instinct is to say “and so I need you to do this.” But the moment you make that request, their nervous system hears “you’re about to be told you’re not enough.” And they contract. They can’t receive you.
But when you let them see you as just a hurting human being? When you say “I’ve been scared to bring this up because I’m actually really sad and I don’t want to lose you”? That is so much harder to defend against. That lands somewhere different. That can actually reach them.
Now look, I’m not promising it’s going to be perfect. My partner and I have been doing this work together for years and we still scare each other sometimes. We still have moments where our old survival strategies crash into each other. And it’s still messy.
But here’s what I’ve come to believe with everything I have. Love is not the absence of hurt. Love is the presence of repair. The goal is never to have a conflict-free relationship. The goal is to be two people who can find each other again after things get hard.
And the brave first step toward that? It’s exactly what you’re already doing right now. Asking how to do it better instead of just staying silent. That matters more than you know.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
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