You know, when someone types “signs partner is being dishonest” into a search bar, there’s already a lot happening inside them. That search doesn’t come from nowhere. So before I give you a list of behavioral tells, I want to sit with you for a second and acknowledge that something has already shifted for you. You’re feeling it. That matters.
Now, to actually answer your question.
What I watch for clinically is less about “catching” someone and more about tracking disconnection.
Stories that don’t hold their shape. Details change slightly over time. The timeline shifts. When you ask a follow-up question, there’s a flash of something—a pause, a redirect. It’s like watching someone try to remember the plot of a movie they never actually saw.
Defensiveness that’s bigger than the question. You ask something ordinary and the response feels like you accused them of murder. That gap between the size of the question and the size of the reaction? Worth noticing.
Emotional unavailability that’s new. They used to be present, and now there’s a kind of glass between you. They’re physically there but not landing with you anymore. Like they’re conserving emotional energy for something else.
Over-explaining or under-explaining. Both. Liars sometimes flood you with detail about where they were and who said what. Other times they go suddenly vague about things they used to talk about freely. “Oh, work was fine” becomes their default when they used to tell you everything.
Your nervous system is responding to something. This one isn’t a “sign” in the traditional sense, but in 20 years of sitting with couples, I have enormous respect for that quiet alarm going off in someone’s body. We pick up on micro-expressions, vocal changes, energy shifts that our conscious mind hasn’t catalogued yet.
They’re suddenly protective of their phone. Look, I’m not talking about basic privacy. I’m talking about a shift. Someone who used to leave their phone around now sleeps with it face down. Takes it to the bathroom. Gets jumpy when it buzzes near you.
Here’s what I want to say directly to you though. The question underneath your question is probably not really “what are the signs.” The question is probably “can I trust what I’m feeling, and what do I do with it?”
Because here’s the thing: if you’re googling this, part of you already knows something is off. Your job isn’t to become a detective. Your job is to decide whether you want to address what you’re sensing or keep pretending you don’t sense it.
That’s a conversation worth having. With your partner, or with someone who can help you hold it safely. The signs matter less than what you’re going to do with what you already know.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
