Stop trying to shake off your uncomfortable feelings....

Stop trying to shake off your uncomfortable feelings.

Relationship Tip #1

Here’s the first of my 10 relationship truths to help you love better.

Relationship Tip #1: Stop trying to shake off your uncomfortable feelings.

When you’re feeling sad … or lonely … or rejected … or powerless, stop employing whatever your strategy has always been to squash it and instead give some attention to the feeling that’s making you so uncomfortable.

The more energy you put into trying NOT to feel something, the more likely you are to prolong that feeling (and prolong your go-to behavior in response to that feeling, which probably cues your Waltz of Pain with your partner.

How do you react when you get your feelings hurt? Do you become Sherlock Holmes to figure out who to blame, fix, or criticize? Or maybe you turn into Amelia Earhart and you disappear into the abyss to disengage, ignore, or shutdown.

If so, you’re making a difficult situation worse.

  • When those hard, messy, scary feelings start charging in, take a deep breath (slow down that heart rate a bit) and accept those feelings. Because the feelings are, in fact, happening.
  • Don’t shame yourself or tell yourself to “get over it” or “shake it off.” 
  • Stop resisting.
  • Let yourself feel the feelings.
  • And actually be nice to yourself about it!

This is hard to do. We all need help accepting ourselves, our feelings, and our partners!

If I told you that the best way to improve your life is through self-acceptance and acceptance of others, would you believe me?

Well, it’s true.

Do you want to have a better relationship? You’re going to have to start being kinder to yourself and your partner. You both deserve it!

If you haven’t read about your Waltz of Pain, go take the Empathi Relationship Assessment and Discovery Process now. It’s essential to understanding yourself in love.

And be sure to read the rest of my Top 10 Relationship Tips.

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Figs is the creator of the Empathi method and the certification process for Empathi coaches. He’s also Chief Empathi Officer, husband, dad, wounded-healer and was featured on NPR’s All Things Considered as a champion for healthy relationships. Figs’ life’s mission is to help couples feel more connected.

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