The way you talk about the problem is the problem.

Relationship Tip #2

Relationship Tip #2: The way you talk about the problem is the problem.

You wanna improve your relationship today? 

Stop asking your partner to change. 

What????? Have I lost my flippin’ Couples Therapist mind?

I don’t know, you tell me…

How well does it work when they tell YOU to be different — especially in the middle of a fight? 

Do you welcome that with an open heart, step into the change-o-matic, and then show up in a new and improved way? Or do you protest that feedback by blaming or punishing them?!

Every time you tell your partner what they are doing wrong and ask them to change their behavior all you succeed in doing is send the message that you are disappointed in them or that they let you down. And in response, they will either pull away or get defensive.

Well damn, that doesn’t feel good when they do that!

So what can you do instead?

Start sharing your feelings, and make sure you include how your partner is important to you when you do.

“I feel sad that you didn’t come home until nine. I missed you because spending time with you is so important.”

Notice, I didn’t ask for anything.

1. I shared my vulnerable feeling: “I feel sad”
   
2. I shared the way the feeling exists because my wife is so important to me (because it’s true): “I’m sad because I missed you and I just love spending time with you.”

So remember, when your feelings are hurt, try not to ask for your needs to be met. INSTEAD, feel the feeling and then share the feeling itself and the reason why you’re feeling it. SPOILER ALERT: You’re feeling it because your partner is so important to you!

Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz— knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!

Be kind to yourself and each other, 

Figs

P.S. Here’s my full list of Top Relationship Tips.