Toxic behavior in a relationship is something most people assume only their partner is guilty of. But what if you are the one creating the toxicity? Recognizing your own toxic behavior in a relationship is the first and most courageous step toward real change.
When our partner behaves like an ass, we think they should own their wrongdoing and deliver an apology forthwith—preferably carved in stone and mounted on a plaque for all to see.
That seems fair. I mean, we just want responsibility taken, apologies given, and our needs met, am I right? What’s their problem?!
Answer:
A couple in my office last week spent the first twenty minutes of our session
completely obsessed with assigning blame. The wife sat on the edge of the couch,
confidently reading from a notebook where she had meticulously documented every
single toxic behavior her husband had exhibited that month. Her husband sat
rigidly on the far armrest, defensively firing back with his own list of her
toxic communication habits, citing internet articles to prove he was the
emotionally healthy partner. I let them aggressively diagnose each other for a
few minutes before I gently stopped the conversation. I have watched this
hundreds of times in my sixteen years of clinical practice. Pop psychology
blogs, relationship influencers, and well meaning friends will constantly tell
you that if your marriage is failing, your partner is likely a toxic individual
who needs to be fixed or cut off. As a clinician, I have to tell you that this
common assumption is completely wrong. When you are fiercely convinced that your
spouse is the sole source of the toxicity, you are completely blind to the
agonizing reality that you are actively pouring gasoline on the fire.
What I actually see in the therapy room when a partner confidently points the
finger is a terrified human being who is desperately trying to outrun their own
biological panic. You and your partner are not healthy victims and toxic
villains. You are both caught in a severe negative cycle that I clinically call
the Waltz of Pain. In this ancient survival system, your protective strategies
are perfectly designed to trigger each other into a state of absolute terror. If
you are the anxious partner, you might believe your relentless questioning and
intense demands for connection are simply healthy communication. But to the
avoidant partner sitting across the room, your intense pursuit feels like a
massive, suffocating wave of engulfment that confirms they are an utter
disappointment. Crushed by this inadequacy, their amygdala fires, their
prefrontal cortex goes entirely offline, and they withdraw into dead silence to
survive the flood. If you are the avoidant partner, you might think your calm
logic and quiet retreat are the mature ways to deescalate a fight. But to the
anxious partner, your cold silence registers as a life threatening emotional
abandonment, forcing them to relentlessly attack you just to get a pulse.
The profound tragedy of this dynamic is that you are both aggressively
destroying the relationship while entirely convinced you are holding the fire
extinguisher. You are not a toxic person, but your childhood survival strategies
are actively creating a toxic environment for the person you love. You simply
cannot fix a shattered emotional bond by acting like a courtroom prosecutor and
trying to convict your spouse of bad behavior. You have to take absolute
responsibility for the heavy armor you bring into the living room. If you are
entirely exhausted by the endless arguments and are finally ready to admit that
your own protective reflexes are keeping you completely disconnected, here is
exactly how we look in the mirror to safely dismantle the pattern controlling
you both.
Conversation: 2d6d572e-0615-40d0-857d-57a25ae124cd (turn 1)
Here’s the deal. In the heat of a fight, we can all come across like an ass. Even you. Even when you’re “right.” Maybe you blame and criticize because you feel neglected. Or you shut down and withdraw because you worry your efforts are never enough. Chances are, whatever strategies you use to get out of conflict make you look like an asshole. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. As we say in Ireland, “there’s two of ye in it.”
Everyone is doing the best they can to make love work. We all get reactive when we feel threatened in love, and our reactivity makes us look like a mean old ass. When we’re hurting, our reactions make sense. But on the receiving end of criticism or a cold shoulder, it feels like love and care are being withheld, which spawns more reactivity. And that’s a cycle that’s hard to break, my friend.
We all have ways that we long to be loved. Reactivity to your partner often stems from a deeper emotional need that existed inside you before you ever met. Wanna know what yours is? Be curious about what’s bothering you. I can often trace a judgment right to an unmet need. If I judge another as a bad listener, I might long to feel heard. If I feel disrespected, I might long to be seen or valued. If I judge another as cold, I might long to feel cared for. You get the idea. Imagine how your own story shapes your reactions—sometimes, reflecting on your story helps you figure out what you need most.
If I judge another as a bad listener or cold, it’s interesting to try to figure out the reasons behind their behaviour, but sometimes it’s more important to recognize the pattern than to wonder about the answer.
By the way, if you’re thinking, “I’m never an ass when I fight,” that may be your biggest assholic trait. If you claim to be above reproach and believe that your partner needs to get their shit sorted for everything to be right in your world, that’s like full-fledged master of the jackass arts territory. That’s someone acting with their head so high, as if they’re above everyone else.
But you’re not actually an asshole. You’re deploying strategies to limit the pain of rejection, abandonment and a felt sense of unworthiness. Strategies you mastered over your lifetime.
The good news it that underneath all that off-putting reactive carrying-on is the real, vulnerable you.
For example, a boyfriend who constantly puts you down or makes you feel like you’re living in hell is a clear sign of toxic behaviour. A woman or girl can lose herself in that kind of relationship, forgetting her own worth.
Family and friends matter, but so does the example you set for your child. As a mother, protecting your child from toxic behaviour and showing them healthy boundaries is crucial.
Boundaries are essential. Leave room for healthy relationships and stick to your standards, even if it means walking away.
Don’t wait around hoping he’ll change—chances are, he’ll never put in the effort, and it’s not cool or admirable to act like an asshole.
Some people expect everything for free, whether in relationships or at their job, and that entitled behaviour is just wrong.
Watch out for beta males—their behaviour can be a red flag.
Years ago, you might have tolerated this behaviour, but with age comes the wisdom to recognize your worth.
Finally, this article or post is advice for anyone struggling with these issues. Humanity depends on us treating each other as human beings, not just chasing wealth or status. Set your boundaries and don’t give a fuck about toxic opinions—your self-respect matters most.
Recognizing Toxic Behavior in a Relationship Starts With You
Let’s be honest: toxic behavior is everywhere. It creeps into our lives through family members who never learned how to treat people with respect, friends who think being rude is funny, and that one guy in the dating world who acts like an asshole and calls it “just being honest.” The truth is, toxic behavior isn’t just a minor annoyance—it can shape your relationships, your self-esteem, and even the way you see the world.
So, what exactly makes someone an asshole in this context? It’s not just about having a bad day or snapping at your partner once in a while. We’re talking about a person who consistently disrespects others, ignores boundaries, and uses every excuse in the book to justify their bad behavior. You’ll hear things like, “I’m just a beta male, that’s why I act this way,” or, “The only reason I said that was because I care.” Spoiler alert: those are red flags, not reasons.
In dating, these signs are especially important to notice. Maybe you’ve met a guy who uses negging—those backhanded compliments that make you feel worse, not better. Or maybe you’re with someone who always blames the world for their problems, never taking responsibility for how they treat you. If you realize you’re constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior, it’s time to ask yourself: do I deserve this? (Hint: you absolutely deserve better.)
Toxic behavior isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Friends and family members can be just as guilty. Maybe your mom always puts you down, or your friends act like you’re the punchline to every joke. The signs are the same: disrespect, lack of empathy, and a pattern of making you feel small. The good news? You have the power to create boundaries and decide who gets a front-row seat in your life.
Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re supposed to put up with being treated badly. Whether you’re dating, dealing with family, or navigating friendships, respect is non-negotiable. If someone’s behavior makes you feel like you’re losing yourself, that’s a red flag you can’t afford to ignore.
At the end of the day, the world is full of people—some good, some not-so-good. The point is to recognize the signs, trust your gut, and remember that you deserve relationships built on kindness, respect, and genuine care. Don’t wait for someone to change; create the life and relationships you want by standing up for yourself. Because sometimes, the only way to deal with an asshole is to walk away and find people who treat you right.
Vulnerability and Toxic Behavior in a Relationship
It’s the pure you that came into the world naked and wailing. The you before all the character-defining strategies that help you succeed in the world in everything other than love. The you who lives between the stimulus of your discomfort and your reactivity to it. The you who feels the emotional pain of disconnection.
Can’t remember the last time you got in touch with the real vulnerable you? You’re not alone. Most of us move at lightning speed from point A to point B.
Point A: You notice the stimulus of your discomfort (e.g., partner’s ass-like behavior) to Point B: You react!
At the end of the day nothing matters more than feeling connected to the one you love. So it makes sense that you get reactive when you feel that connection threatened. You make sense and your partner makes sense – even when you’re both behaving like arseholes.
To go from looking like an ass to showing your partner the sweet, lovable, vulnerable you, all you need is a wee bit of love and understanding. Not surprisingly, that won’t come from demanding accountability mid-argument.
Trying to make someone take responsibility in the middle of an emotional conflict is rarely a good idea and almost never a helpful first step. Instead, learn how to share the vulnerable you with your partner; this is the you that needs to be emotionally bonded to feel safe in the world.
It takes both of you to break the cycle, but here’s a solid first step. The next time an argument kicks off between you and your partner, be curious about yourself and be a witness to your own process.
1. Accept your biology. You’re hardwired to be emotionally bonded with another. When anything threatens that connection, you’ll experience undeniable inner turmoil. Don’t fight it.
2. Shift your perspective on what is happening inside you, as well as between you and your partner. Become the experiencer and witness to your own emotional process. As the drama unfolds, step off the stage of your life and take a seat in the audience. Witness the scene you’re a part of in its entirety. At the same time, feel your own moment to moment experience. Seek to understand the point of view of the other actor in the scene. Notice that you’re stuck in a negative cycle that you both create together; a cycle of hurt and reaction that you pass back and forth like a game of hot potato. Recognize this is our cycle that we’ve created together.
3. Reverse engineer your reactivity back to your own unmet need and vulnerable experience. This need is important enough to you that when it’s not met you experience vulnerability, even if you’re not conscious of it. When you witness yourself reacting, be open to the possibility that your partner’s behavior is simply a catalyst for you to get in touch with your own vulnerability. It’s ever present, even when it’s not explicitly felt.
4. Own it. You’re pissed off and you’re behaving like an asshole. You thought it was your partner, but now you realize it’s the pain you feel when you are not feeling loved in the ways you long for. This sensitive spot inside you got rubbed against and you can’t continue to keep it unfelt and unseen. What’s worse, when you try to stop the pain and protect yourself by protesting or withdrawing, this rubs your partner’s sensitive spot, wounding them and causing them to react. Damn. Can you see how you are contributing to your own pain and vulnerability being triggered?
5. Turn towards your partner. In this moment of hurt, you may worry they won’t be there for you in the ways you need, and you may even feel you don’t deserve to be met when you’re this vulnerable. It can feel terrifying (or even piss you off all over again). But what if you could feel the full vulnerability and turn towards it where you would normally turn away? Could you share that moment of vulnerability with your partner? And ultimately, what if you could be a loving and supportive presence for your partner when they turn towards you with their own vulnerability? Wow. That, my friend, takes so much more courage than blaming, criticizing, withdrawing or shutting down.
That may sound complicated, but with a little guidance, it can be a simple process. Hey, if you can just surrender to the idea that your reactivity is borne from what already exists inside you and not “I’m mad because of my partner!!” that’s a giant leap forward.
Don’t be surprised if you still find it ridonkulously difficult while it’s happening. Once you stop hiding behind a lifetime of reactive strategies, it’s gonna feel uncomfortable. Just remember you’re moving towards love and connection with your partner.
Speaking of your partner, please know that it takes both of you to make things better. You can’t do all of this alone. As I tell my clients, when you both recognize you’re in a negative cycle that you create together (not my cycle and your cycle but OUR cycle), and that you fight because your connection is important to each other, you can move forward to a better relationship.
Let me leave you with the most common way I appear to be an asshole to my wife and consider sharing your own assholic behavior in the comments below.
Sometimes when I feel alone and burdened, I react by being a blaming, criticizing, and disapproving ass to my wife. Sometimes it’s so subtle I don’t even realize I’m doing it. When my wife responds with (understandable) hurt and her own reactivity, I feel even more justified and turn up the volume on my assholic ways.
But you know what makes this blaming, criticizing and disapproving ass remotely tolerable to be with? I can see, in retrospect, that when I’m triggered I behave in ways that make me look like an ass. Also, I understand relatively quickly what I’m really reacting to. And it’s not a failure on my wife’s part to meet my needs. No. In fact, I’m reacting to the pain I feel when I feel alone in the world. That deep-down sense of aloneness that lives inside me is too painful for me to sit in sometimes, and it was there long before I met my wife.
It’s in these moments that I need my wife the most, that I long to be held within the embrace of our love and support for each other. How sad for me (and for both of us) that this is also when I’m most prone to act like an ass.
When I feel that loneliness creeping up inside me, I try to reach out to her from my vulnerability. I ask her not to give up on me, even if I act like an ass sometimes, because the truth is, “I need you, I really need you.”
Even an asshole like me can turn things around.
The truth is, everyone engages in toxic behavior in a relationship at some point. What separates those who grow from those who stay stuck is the willingness to look honestly at yourself and make different choices. Your relationship deserves that honesty.
Thanks for reading. If you liked this asshole post please share it! It would mean a lot to me and it could help change the world one fellow asshole at a time. 🙂
How to Stop Toxic Behavior in a Relationship
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Changing toxic behavior in a relationship begins with accountability. According to research from The Gottman Institute, the four most destructive patterns in relationships are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, that awareness alone is a powerful starting point for transformation. Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.
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