Oh, friend. Come sit down for a second.
I want to say something that might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but I think it’s going to land as true for you.
You fear their vision of the future leaves no room for yours.
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Ask Figlet about fighting over having kids.
You’re probably not actually fighting about having kids.
I know. I know. That sounds almost insulting when the fight feels so real and so big and so important. And the topic IS real. Whether to have children, when, how many, whether at all – that is one of the most consequential conversations two people can have. I’m not minimizing the content of the fight for one second.
But here’s what I know after seventeen years of sitting with couples: the topic is never the whole story. Underneath every fight about directions, about coffee cups, about who forgot to pay the bill – there’s an attachment world. There’s an emotional bonding world. And the bigger the topic, the deeper that world goes.
So what I’d want to know is this. When you fight about having kids, what are you actually scared of? Because I’d be willing to bet it’s something closer to: am I enough for you? Do you see me? Do you value what I want? Are you going to be there for me? Are we even on the same team?
One of you might be hearing “I don’t want kids” and what lands in your body is “I am a disappointment to this person.” Or “they don’t want the same life I want, which means they don’t really want ME.” The other person might be hearing pressure, and what lands is “I’m not being trusted. I’m not being seen as someone who gets to have their own truth.”
You’ve both got a little kid inside. One who has a dream, or a fear, or a wound that this topic is touching right directly in the chest. And those two little kids are running the fight. The adults in the room are just cleaning up after them.
You fear their vision of the future leaves no room for yours.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about fighting over having kids.
What I’d want to do with you in a room together is get underneath the position – the yes or no, the want or don’t want – and find the vulnerable emotion that’s sitting right below it. Because that’s where the real conversation lives. That’s where something can actually move.
The question isn’t just “do we agree on kids.” The question is “can we feel safe enough with each other to tell the truth about what we’re really scared of here?” Can you say to each other: here’s what this means to me, here’s what I’m afraid of, here’s how alone I feel in this?
That’s the conversation worth having.
And that conversation – that’s what might actually get you somewhere. Not louder arguments about logistics, but two people being brave enough to say what’s really going on underneath.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating in Your Relationship
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