The sneaky danger of expectations, and why problem-solving makes it worse
You’ve solved harder problems than this. So why does your relationship feel so difficult?
When you feel your life is going well or you’re achieving at work, you were able to buy the home, you’re able to send your kids to private school. There can be an unconscious expectation that in life, you should feel like you’ve arrived. Not still feel like you’re behind where you’re supposed to be. And nowhere is that more true than in your relationship. How can we be so well educated and yet we’re not able to make our relationship smooth? How can we have such great circumstances and yet we’re in conflict with each other?
It’s not that dissimilar to why birthdays and Valentine’s and Christmas and holidays are often when couples fight the most. Anytime there’s a greater expectation that it’ll go well, that we’ll feel connected, it comes with a greater sense of failure and pain when something goes wrong. And our sensitivity is actually increased to feeling injured, rather than decreased.
The Problem Is Never the Problem
A lot of times, high achievers think the problem is the problem. The particular context that they’re fighting about, whether it’s parenting, money, the division of labor, one person’s job occupying too much space and time emotionally and literally in the relationship. And because they are really good problem solvers (I work with some of the most creative problem solvers in the world in San Francisco and Silicon Valley) of course the first thing they go to is their problem solving mind. They try and make their relationship into a project where they try and solve all of the contextual problems. When really the issue is never really the issue they’re talking about. It’s a deeper emotional system, an attachment driven emotional bonding system underneath the issue itself.
The Time Machine That Didn’t Work
The example I use often to help people get this is a story about me and my wife Teal.
We used to fight every night about who does the dishes. Every night. I come home from work, Teal’s there with Grace in her arms. I’m like, I’m so tired, would you do the dishes tonight? And Teal looks at me like, are you kidding me? I’ve been with Grace all day and you think I’m the one? Do you not value me at all? You showbiz pig. I’m like, are you fucking kidding me? I did seven sessions in a row. What do you think I want to do right now? And I go, fine, I’ll do the dishes. Nevermind, I’ll do them.
So because we were having this fight every night, I got so pissed off. I spent like two weeks on Reddit and ChatGPT and I worked out how to build a time machine. I tell Teal in the middle of the fight, wait one minute. And I run into our guest bedroom, I jump in the time machine, I set the time machine for 20 minutes into the future. I jump out of the time machine, 20 minutes into the future, I hear like Barry White music playing in the kitchen. I look into the kitchen, we’re listening to sexy Barry White music. And I am washing the pots and pans, I’ve made extra bubbles and I’m flinging extra bubbles at Teal. Teal is rubbing the countertops and she has her little cloth and she’s flicking bubbles back at me. We’re laughing, we’re drinking French wine. We are having the time of our life.
So I jump back in the time machine, go back 20 minutes, get out of the time machine, now back with the original time, run over to Teal, who’s still hurt. And I go to her, hey, I know exactly what we’ll do. I’m going to do the pots and pans, I’m going to make extra bubbles, I’m going to fling those bubbles at you. You’re going to do the countertops, you’re going to fling the bubbles back at me, we’re going to listen to Barry White, we’re going to drink wine, we’re going to have the time of our life.
She looks at me, you know what she says? Fuck you. And storms off.
So I go into the guest bedroom, beat the shit out of the time machine, because I’m Irish, I’ve got a temper problem. And I go to bed that night, pissed, both Teal and I not talking to each other.
But then it hits me about four in the morning. I wake up and I realize why the time machine didn’t work.
Rarely does a solution make things better. What makes things better is connection. We skipped the connection.
The 20 minutes was when I said, hey, listen, I can feel really overwhelmed. And I feel like I’m all alone with stuff. That’s why I wanted you to do the dishes tonight. And she said, look, I can feel like I’m not valued. And you don’t think I’m working when I’m here at home. And I had empathy for her. She had empathy for me. And we had empathy for each other.
Here’s the crazy thing. What wasn’t available before is now available. I wash the dishes, works. She washes the dishes, works. We wash the dishes and do weird shit with bubbles, works. Nobody washes the dishes tonight, works. It’s magic. If you have the connection conversation, there are just so many possibilities now that work.
The Irrationality of Rationality
One of the reasons why I love working with high achievers in San Francisco and Silicon Valley is that the skill I have (seeing the deeper emotional process that’s going on inside of them as individuals and between them as a couple and helping them resolve that first) is not their skill. Their skill is in solving real world problems, and they’re very, very good at it. And so it’s hard for them to give up that skill and do the deeper emotional work that can seem at first esoteric to them. In fact, worse than seeming esoteric, it can seem downright irrational.
Often, some of the most successful people in San Francisco pride themselves on their rationality. But to not include the emotional that’s happening inside of any project, and especially your primary relationship with your partner or spouse, that in and of itself is a great irrationality. Because your commitment to rationality at all cost will end up hurting your spouse or partner. You’ll invalidate them, seem insensitive. And my word, have you now made the problem much worse than the problem you had before?
A Pitbull With a Locked Jaw
High achievers resist this because it’s very hard to break out of problem solving mode. But unfortunately, the problem solving mode will end up at some point hurting their significant other, and it’ll make the cycle worse. And so I just get another opportunity once they resist this perspective. Their resistance to it almost always makes things worse, and I get to just go again at reflecting the cycle to them and inviting them into the system. After their expression of resistance, we try again and again and again. I often compare myself to a pitbull with a locked jaw. I will not stop trying to help them get inside this empathy cubed perspective of what’s happening between them. So that they can be a team, not two separate individuals facing a problem from completely divergent perspectives.
The Screenplay Method
I always tell people I want them to tell me not only what the pain point context is in the relationship, but to actually tell me the screenplay. Set the scene. Exactly where you are, what did you say, what were you feeling before you said it, how did what you say then land on the other person? I go to the other person, ask them: how did this land on you? What actually happened? What did you say back? Oh, stop. Back to the first person. And what did that feel like? And then what did you say in response?
I actually build the actual living scene of what transpires moment to moment to moment, inside of them and between them when they’re in conflict. And then I become that conflict. I will embody each of them as individuals, and I will reflect back to them what actually happened.
Bird on a Wire: Empathy Cubed
Usually for people, it’s the first time they see in a deeply embodied way: wow, I get to watch the actual play or the movie of our cycle, our fight, our disagreement. But instead of only seeing it from my first person perspective, I now am seeing the entire system as if I was a bird on a wire looking down on the scene. Seeing how I make sense, my partner makes sense, we make sense. And that’s that golden moment where it can evoke empathy and compassion in all directions. Empathy for me, empathy for you, empathy for us. I call this concept empathy cubed (empathy³).
Rest and Digest: The Proof of Work
Once the couple really gets it that this is an us problem, not a me or you problem, and that trying to go directly to solve the problem itself only makes things worse, that we have to attend to our emotional bond first, then we’re going to have access to the best parts of our brain as a single relationship organism to resolve and choose the best path forward for us as a couple.
Once they get to that empathy cubed experience, where I have empathy for me, you, and us, why this issue is so hard for us, I can see it immediately in our sessions. They sit closer to each other. They look at each other more. They’re basically spending more time with each other in their parasympathetic nervous systems. They’re in rest and digest. They feel safer with each other. It changes them even in their sleep. They can be more collaborative, find better creative solutions, because they are resting in secure attachment with each other. I know you care about me. I care about you. We care about each other. We’re in this together, even if it’s hard for both of us in different ways.
This is the proof of work of relationship. Doing the hard work to get back to empathy³ over and over and over again.
If you’re a high achiever in San Francisco or Silicon Valley and your relationship feels harder than it should, request a free consult and let’s talk.
Empathy³ and proof of work are concepts I explore more deeply in my upcoming book, Sovereign Ground.
Watch: Why High Achievers Struggle in Relationships
Infographic: The High Achiever’s Relationship Paradox
