Listen, if you’re reading this because someone told you that you have “anxious preoccupied attachment,” I need to say something first: you didn’t choose this. You learned it. And there’s probably a whole lot of shame wrapped around it that we need to unpack before we go anywhere else.
Here’s what I see when anxious preoccupied folks sit across from me: they’re exhausted. Their nervous system has been running on high alert for so long, scanning for signs that their person might leave, that they’re just worn out from their own hypervigilance.
The core wound sounds something like this: “I’m not sure you’ll stay. I’m not sure I’m enough to make you stay. So I need to keep watching for signs that you’re leaving.”
And that threat detection system? It’s dialed way up. A partner who goes quiet, takes longer to text back, seems distracted at dinner – that doesn’t register as “they’re tired” or “they’re thinking.” It registers as danger. Real, body-level danger. And the response to danger is to reach. To pursue. To escalate until you get some signal back that says “I’m still here, you’re safe.”
The brutal irony is that the pursuing often makes partners pull back, which confirms every fear you had in the first place. Round and round we go.
Here’s what I want you to understand: your longing for closeness isn’t pathological. It’s actually beautifully human. It’s just misfiring. The intensity isn’t the problem – it’s that you learned to express vulnerability through protest behavior instead of through actual vulnerability.
There’s a world of difference between “Why do you always shut down on me?” and “When you go quiet, I get scared that I’m losing you.” Both come from the same place. But one opens a door, the other slams it.
The work isn’t about becoming less attached or needing less reassurance. It’s about learning to recognize that moment when your alarm system fires, and slowing down just enough to ask: what am I actually feeling under this urge to pursue? Usually it’s fear. Grief. Loneliness. Those are the real feelings. The anger is just armor.
The second piece is learning you can tolerate moments of uncertainty without catastrophe striking. That your partner can be quiet or distant and it doesn’t mean your relationship is ending. That’s not easy work, but it’s absolutely possible.
And if you’re paired with someone avoidant? Oh honey. That’s one of the most painful combinations I see. You reach, they pull back. They pull back, you reach harder. Each of you triggering the other’s deepest fear.
The goal isn’t to stop being anxiously attached. It’s to step out of that dance together and see it for what it really is: not “you’re abandoning me” and “you’re suffocating me,” but “we have a pattern that’s hurting both of us, and we can change it.”
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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