This is a question I get a lot, and it deserves a real answer, not a generic “it depends.”
Individual sessions are about you. They’re where you get to look at your own patterns, your own history, the ways your nervous system learned to protect you long before this relationship existed. If you want to understand why you shut down, why you explode, why you chase or flee, individual work is where you do that excavation. You’re not managing anyone else’s experience in that room. You get to be fully yourself.
Couples sessions are about the relationship itself. The relationship is the client, not you, not your partner. What we’re doing in that room is watching the dance between you two in real time. I’m watching how you reach for each other, how you miss each other, how you protect yourselves. That live material is irreplaceable. You cannot do that work alone.
Group therapy for couples is a third thing entirely. It has real value because you get to see that you’re not uniquely broken. Watching another couple stumble through the same cycle you’ve been stuck in for years can be genuinely liberating. There’s something powerful about that witness. The limitation is that your most tender, raw moments may not be the ones you want to have in front of strangers, especially early in the process.
My honest clinical opinion after sixteen years? Couples sessions first. Get the relationship stabilized. Build some safety between you two. Then layer in individual work if one or both of you needs deeper personal history work. Group can be a wonderful supplement once you have a foundation.
Think of it like this: if your house is flooding, you need to stop the leak before you renovate the kitchen. Couples work stops the leak. Individual work renovates your personal space. Group work shows you that everyone’s dealing with plumbing issues.
I see couples who jump straight to individual therapy when the house is still flooding. They come back with all this insight about their childhood and their attachment patterns, but they still can’t have a conversation about the dishes without it turning into World War Three.
Here’s what really matters: what’s drawing you toward the group format specifically? Are you hoping it’ll feel less intense than facing each other in a room with just me? Are you looking for permission to see that other people struggle too? That tells me a lot about where you are right now and what might actually serve you best.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
